Coping With The Loss Of a Parent
- Moon Unit Zappa, along with her three siblings, lost their beloved singer-songwriter dad Frank Zappa to prostate cancer 30 years ago—and now, amid incredible advancements in prostate cancer, the Rock & Roll legend’s daughter has recounted what brought joy and “light” to her dad at the end of his life.
- Dealing with the loss of a loved one to cancer is incredibly challenging, but moving forward with the lessons your loved one shared and remembering you don’t have to forget them can be a great place to start.
- If you’re working to overcome adversity, try making a plan. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
- Grief is an unavoidable and important part of healing following the loss of a loved one to cancer, and talk therapy can be a useful tool to cope.
Moon, who released her memoir “Earth to Moon” a few months ago, admitted in a recent interview that she didn’t truly “connect” with her dad until he was was sick battling cancer.
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She continued, “I do remember one moment where he kind of was in this otherworldly state, in a portion of his illness, and he just had this look of wonder on his face, and he just said, ‘Wow.’
“And I don’t know what he saw on the other side, but it was something that filled his face with light. I hoped it was indicative of a passing that was peaceful.”
Moon also recounted how her dad gave her a letter at the end of his life, which simply read, “I love you, Moon.”
As for how she felt about the letter, Moon says in her memoir, “I could not hope for more.”
In another interview, Moon told Lyndsey Parker, “My father was the funniest, smartest, most inspirational person in my life, and before having a child and becoming a parent, he was everything to me.
“He was a kind of a soulmate. I mean, even in Linda Goodman’s book Sun Signs, my father and I are an example of compatibility between a Sagittarius and a Libra. So, it wasn’t just me who felt there was this amazing connection; it was reflected in the outer world.”
Frank Zappa’s Health Battle
Frank Zappa, remembered for his unique mustache and eccentric performances, dealt with extreme urinary problems for years.
After various medical tests to figure out what was causing these problems, he was later diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in 1990, and doctors ultimately informed him he had prostate cancer developing for years.
At the time of his diagnosis, he was told the cancer was “inoperable” as it was at an advanced stage.
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Since it had been declared in such an advanced stage, Zappa was told the disease was “inoperable.” He chose not topursue treatment and instead travel the world to perform for fans.
He passed away in December 1993 at 52-years-old.
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Coping With Grief After Losing a Loved One
Grief is known to “come in waves” and never fully leave you after a loved one has died. To grieve is to have fully loved someone, and that’s a beautiful thing, but the process of grief, can be fulling of missing, longing, and sadness.
Coping with grief after the loss of a loved one, or after a diagnosis of a disease like cancer, can be helped by seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, or oncological social worker.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis
You don’t have to suffer through your grief alone. Seek outside support when you’ve lost someone close to you.
Anxiety and fear are totally normal reactions to the news of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, and acknowledging these emotions can be therapeutic and important to the healing process.
“I think the most important advice I would give to someone who has just received a cancer diagnosis is to find people whom they find as a source of support. To allow themselves to go through all of the different emotional reactions to that news,” said Dr. Susan Parsons, Director of the Center for Health Solutions/Center on Child and Family Outcomes at Tufts Medical Center, in a prior interview with SurvivorNet.
Mental Health & Coping With Cancer
“The anger, the frustration, the fear. The disappointment. Whatever those emotions are, figure out what’s important to you and find those people that can help you realize that,” Dr. Parsons explained.
RELATED: Fear, Anger, Anxiety You’re Entitled To Your Emotions
In times of frustration, it can be useful to a little bit of direction on specific ways to deal with it. A few of the most common ways to deal with fear and anxiety after a cancer diagnosis, that have helped people in the SurvivorNet community in the past, include:
1. Let your family and close friends know and let them help. So many cancer survivors tell us they want and need support but are often too preoccupied to make specific requests. Urge those close to you to jump in with whatever practical help they can offer.
2. Keep a journal. It can be extremely cathartic to let those feelings loose on paper. Grab a pen and a nice journal and chronicle your different thoughts throughout the day.
3. Join a cancer support group. There are groups in nearly every community offering opportunities to connect with others going through a similar journey. You’ll learn incredibly helpful insight from others who can tell you about what to expect and how to stay strong on tough days.
4. Consider seeing a therapist. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist so you can discuss your fears and concerns in a safe space. Often, vocalizing your thoughts and feelings rather than internalizing them can provide relief.
Understanding Prostate Cancer
If you or a loved one has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, it’s important to remember that most types of prostate cancers are treatable. According to the National Cancer Institute, the five-year survival rate of prostate cancer in the U.S. is 97.1%. There is, however, a small number of men whose type of prostate cancer may become unresponsive to treatment, for example, when cancer cells develop a resistance hormone therapy, the treatment may no longer work.
Mental Health & Coping With Cancer
Prostate cancer begins in the prostate the walnut-shaped gland located between the rectum and bladder that produces the fluid that nourishes sperm. Outside of skin cancers, prostate cancer is the most common cancer in American men with about one in eight men being diagnosed with this disease during his lifetime.
It’s important to remember a prostate cancer diagnosis is not always preceded by symptoms. And even when symptoms do occur, they can be inconsistent and hard to pinpoint.
“Prostate cancer is a very odd disease in that it doesn’t have a particular symptom,” Dr. Edwin Posadas, director of translational oncology and the medical director of the Urologic Oncology Program at Cedars-Sinai, told SurvivorNet.
After the Diagnosis: “What Did I Do Wrong?”
Still, it’s important to note changes in urinary function, like urinating more or less often or waking up at night to go more than usual, could be a sign of prostate cancer. So, even if you think there’s nothing to worry about, always talk to your doctor about changes to your health when they occur.
There are many different treatment options for both early and later-stage prostate cancer including active surveillance, watchful waiting, surgery, radiation, cryotherapy, hormone therapy, chemotherapy, immunotherapy and targeted therapy. The disease is one where doctors may have differing opinions on the best treatment path to take, so don’t hesitate to ask lots of questions and seek out multiple opinions.
Second (& Third) Opinions Matter When Deciding Between Surgery or Radiation
“I think it behooves the patient to have multiple discussions or second opinions, not only by the urologist who did the biopsy and diagnosed that man, but also with other surgeons and other radiation oncologist just to get a very circumspect view of what the treatment options are,” Dr. Jim Hu, a urologic oncologist at Weill Cornell Medicine, told SurvivorNet. “Oftentimes, I think patients need to understand that our health system is based a lot on fee-for-service medicine.
“And so therefore, a lot of physicians, I think, who are very well intentioned, will believe that their treatment is best for that particular man,” Dr. Hu added.
Prostate Cancer Screening Guidelines
It’s unclear if the benefits of prostate cancer screening outweigh the risks for most men. Nevertheless, screening can be life-saving, and it’s important to discuss the pros and cons of screening and your risk factors for the disease with your doctor.
The American Cancer Society (ACS) recommends “men have a chance to make an informed decision with their health care provider about whether to be screened for prostate cancer” after “getting information about the uncertainties, risks, and potential benefits of prostate cancer screening.”
The ACS says the discussion about prostate cancer screening should take place at:
- Age 50 for men who are at average risk of prostate cancer and are expected to live at least 10 more years.
- Age 45 for men at high risk of developing prostate cancer. This includes African Americans and men who have a first-degree relative (father or brother) diagnosed with prostate cancer at an early age (younger than age 65).
- Age 40 for men at even higher risk (those with more than one first-degree relative who had prostate cancer at an early age).
When Should I Get Tested for Prostate Cancer?
Prostate cancer screening methods look for possible signs of the disease, but they can’t determine for sure if you have cancer. A prostate biopsy is the only way to confirm if the patient has prostate cancer.
Screening generally involves a PSA (prostate-specific antigen) test and a digital rectal exam to feel the prostate gland. The prostate-specific antigen is a protein secreted by the prostate gland, large amounts of which can indicate prostate cancer.
It’s slightly uncomfortable but painless, and takes less than 30 seconds,” Dr. Posadas said of these methods. “The amount of information that is gained from that is tremendous, and it can be a life-and-death type decision that is made.”
Though the PSA test is not always accurate and an elevated PSA test does not always mean you have prostate cancer, our experts maintain that these tests are helpful. Make sure to discuss your options with your doctors and decide what screening should look like for you.
Overcoming Adversity
Overcoming adversity can seem daunting. Many people think reciting upbeat mottos or pretending to be cheerful will help, but these solutions can make someone feel even more dejected than before. Instead, focus on the following steps to make meaningful change.
1. Set a goal. No matter what the situation, create a new goal for yourself. If you have just been diagnosed with cancer or a chronic illness, perhaps one goal would be to educate yourself about the disease and the possible treatments as much as possible.
2. Make a plan. How will you achieve this goal? Your plan will help you focus on that goal. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems, such as lymphoma and other cancers. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
3. Rely on others. Spend time with people who show you unconditional support and encouragement. They will ease your stress and help you remember that you’re not alone in this! Dr. Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist and author, tells SurvivorNet that one “coping strategy that can be productive is reaching out, talking to others. Having support we know is really critical in the healing process.”
4. Use positive self-talk. Leave messages with affirmations in places you frequent. Put notes around your mirror or your computer screen that say “You got this!” or “Keep going!” Cut out inspirational quotes from people you admire and surround yourself with their words. Dr. Boardman explains to SurvivorNet that “Positive emotions have unique benefits above and beyond managing negative emotions.”
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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