Supporting a Loved One Battling Cancer
- People with cancer have a heightened sense of their own mortality, says oncology nurse Dr. Deborah K. Mayer.
- Remember to meet your friend where he or she is, and understand that you may not fully be able to understand what they’re feeling.
- For many, the worry of imposing too much can lead to not including someone with cancer in the otherwise “normal” rituals around the holidays, but, says Dr. Kalanithi, this isn’t always the best way to go. “Include them, invite them, show up,” she recommends.
If you are a core member of someone you love’s cancer support group, you may wonder what you can do to help make the holiday season more comforting. Author of “When Breath Becomes Air,” Dr. Lucy Kalanithi says, “Don’t stress too much about how to be supportive.”
Dr. Kalanithi lost her husband to metastatic lung cancer in 2015. Understanding the emotional toll cancer can bring to everyone impacted by it; she has sound advice to cancer warriors and their support to give this time of year added cheer.
Read MoreTry to empathize (but know it’s OK if you can’t)
People with cancer have a heightened sense of their own mortality, says oncology nurse Deborah K. Mayer, Ph.D., RN, AOCN, FAAN, who also runs the Cancer Survivorship program at the University of North Carolina. “In some ways, that’s a gift, to make it more poignant or meaningful, but on the other hand, that also can be a very big burden.” Remember to meet your friend where he or she is, and understand that you may not fully be able to understand what they’re feeling.Include him
Being around loved ones can help him or her feel supported, but it can actually also feel isolating and lonely. “Whether patients decide to attend social get-togethers or decline to do so, they may feel more insulated and isolated by the contrast between the public atmosphere of gaiety and their private dread about their own wellbeing,” says Susan Gubar, ovarian cancer survivor and author of the monthly column Living with Cancer as well as the book Late-Life Love.
Be thoughtful and be present
For many, the worry of imposing too much can lead to not including someone with cancer in the otherwise “normal” rituals around the holidays but, says Dr. Kalanithi, this isn’t always the best way to go. “Include them, invite them, show up,” she recommends. “Text them just to say hi, you loved the holiday card, you have a sitcom to recommend, you read an article that reminded you of them, you’re holding them in your heart. Illness can be lonely!”
This is particularly true, Gubar says, when physically exhausted or debilitated. “When I was totally incapacitated, nothing meant more to me than visitors willing and able to sit with me and, by virtue of their presence, remind me why life is worth living.”
Consider her comfort
Between shopping for gifts, socializing and dealing with the normal nuances of family gatherings, the holidays are taxing physically. “This person may or may not have a lot of energy to be dealing with all of the holidays,” reminds Mayer. “Being sensitive to tiring activities, making sure the person has a place to lie down or get some quiet if they need to with everything that is going on; going for walks, having a quiet room, having a place where they can intermittently take a break, all that can be helpful.”
Even more, she continues, it can help to have one person who’s particularly close with the person going through cancer act as the point person to communicate with him or her. “Have somebody who is close to them talk to them about it, about how much they want to be involved with what is going on. It is very dependent on the person and what they are dealing with as to what kind of accommodations they may need or want.”
Acknowledge it, but don’t harp on it
Cancer patients or survivors may not feel comfortable bringing up or their illness, so it’s important to give him or them the space to do so if he or she is inclined. “Most of us don't want to be a downer,” explains Gubar. “Sharing our concerns may not feel appropriate.”
“Acknowledge what they’re going through (for them, it’s usually much more awkward when people avoid it),” agrees Dr. Kalanithi, but don’t get too wound up. “Don’t be afraid to just be yourself and keep cultivating the relationship. My late husband’s best friend asked for career advice during the time my husband was sick. It felt like a real relief for him to feel relied upon, to feel like an agent rather than a vulnerable object.”
Follow his lead
Always respect whatever boundaries he or she draws. “It’s always safe to let the person with cancer be the leader,” advises Mayer. “Be sincere and authentic about it, without necessarily prying or getting into it if the person doesn't want to be talking about it.”
Dr. Kalanithi suggests reaching out without forcing him or her to open up by saying something like, “I’d love to listen if you want to share how you’re feeling. Or I’d love to watch The Bachelor. I’m up for whatever! I’m just so glad to see you.”
There is no hard-and-fast rule for how, when, or how much to discuss one’s illness, continues Gubar. “Each patient has to decide how, where, when, and with whom to communicate. Let the patient take the lead. Sometimes I want to forget about cancer altogether and surely a holiday feast can provide a bright spot of happy repression. So I don't appreciate well-meaning people earnestly asking me over the cranberries or cookies if my ovarian cancer is progressing!”
Don’t try to rationalize It
The temptation to help ourselves and our loved ones make sense of illness is common, but it’s best to resist it. “I’m in a Facebook group called Hot Young Widows Club, and I can tell you that everyone agrees, the phrases ‘at least…’ or ‘everything happens for a reason’ should be expunged from our vocabulary,” says Dr. Kalanithi.
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