The Emotional Role of a Caregiver
- Ryan Reynolds, 47, is openly voicing regrets of how he handled his late father James’ death from Parkinson’s disease in 2015, wishing he had been there more for him and was able to understand what he was going through.
- The Deadpool star has since learned that his father’s deteriorating health condition and shift into hallucinations and delusions was due to the effects of his illness. Reynolds hopes that by sharing his story so that other families can be more well-informed.
- Feeling supported during a battle with Parkinson’s (or cancer or other disease) is hugely beneficial. It can be a highly overwhelming experience that requires finding support outside of your usual circles to help cope.
- As a caregiver, one of the most important things to do for a loved one is to learn as much as you can about their disease, so you can be more empathetic and knowledgeable as to what they are going through. In most fields, but especially in medicine, knowledge is power.
The Deadpool star has since learned that his father, James Chester Reynolds’ deteriorating health condition and shift into hallucinations and delusions was due to the effects of his illness, which he battled for 20 years. Reynolds, who is a board member of the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, hopes that by sharing his story, other families can be more well-informed.
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“He said the word ‘Parkinson’s’ maybe three times as far as I knew — and of them wasn’t to me. There was a ton of denial, a ton of hiding.”
Having years to think about the complicated situation since his father’s passing, Reynolds said he has “constantly” put “pieces of the story together.”
RIP Pops. James C. Reynolds. 1941-2015
If possible, please donate/support: https://t.co/exJYbchCmq pic.twitter.com/8hAfxVbcU1
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 28, 2015
“I wasn’t really accepting my own responsibility,” he admitted. “It was very easy for me to dine off the idea that my father and I do not see eye to eye on anything and that an actual relationship with him is impossible. And as I’m older now, I look back at it, and I think of it more as that was my unwillingness at the time to meet him where he was.”
Though he described James as a “man who does not share his feelings,” he recalled the former police officer’s more positive traits and “moral” core.
“My dad had incredible integrity. He did not lie. He had this compulsion and moral and ethical compass that was I think very impressive.”
Caregiving Comes in Many Forms
Sadly, family life is complicated, and many have been in the same position as Reynolds, but it’s important not to feel guilt over these situations and beat yourself up about it. Until more recent years, many were not very vocal about health issues and the old school tough attitude toward health and living life is common in older generations.
In his latest interview, Reynolds said that he has been able to heal from the loss over the years after becoming a father himself. He has four children with actress Blake Lively. And even though the actor has some admitted feelings of guilt, he did point out something wonderful that he did for James.
Five months before he died, he wrote his father a letter, “which I’m very grateful I did.”
“The letter was basically a list of every amazing thing he ever did — every time he showed up or every time he had a catch with me outside after baseball practice. Every time he was just there.”
“And if the man couldn’t express emotions in a way that was dynamic, well, many people can’t,” Reynolds acknowledged. “The guy was born in the ’40s. It’s okay. So I’m super grateful I sent that letter. I know for a fact it meant the world to him. So I did get that closure, but I wasn’t with him when he passed away, and I do wish I was.”
Bottom line, though Reynolds wishes he was there for his dad, he was. Maybe not physically, but that is how life happens.
So, write that letter. Don’t underestimate the gesture. It may mean more than anything you could say in person.
And if you don’t get it to the person in time, write it anyways. Release that weight and that guilt, in honor of your fallen family member or friend.
Helpful Ways to Serve as a Caregiver
For people who are able to dedicate time to taking care of a loved one in need, here are some ways that you can help support.
This special person may be a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a close friend, or a child. A caregiver often assumes multiple roles to help make their beloved cancer patient’s life easier. Caregivers may:
- Attend doctor visits with the patient
- Help the patient take notes/ask questions
- Provide transportation to and from treatment
- Accompany the patient during treatment
- Help keep track of side effects
- Link up with a social worker/patient navigator
- Help with day-to-day activities
- Provide emotional support
Social workers and patient advocates may be available and can help guide you through treatment options, financial assistance, and mental health resources.
Don’t Forget About Your Own Needs
Caregivers, however, should know that they also need support from time to time.
“It is important to have some things that you can do that’s kind of outside of the focus of caring for somebody that you love with cancer,” Julie Bulger, manager of patient and family-centered care at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville, told SurvivorNet. Bulger suggested caregivers find some activities that help them relax, like taking a walk or going for a massage.
WATCH: How Caregivers Must Take Care of Themselves Too
Finally, remember that mental health professionals are also available to caregivers who can help manage the new responsibilities. Joining a caregiver support group can also help prevent or reduce the risk of caregiver burnout.
Caregiver burnout is the stress, anger, fatigue, and illness that can come from putting another person’s needs ahead of your own. It can sneak up on you if you don’t care for yourself.
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