Fighting Through Feelings of Self-Loathing and Loneliness During Cancer
- An anonymous man with advanced stage cancer is voicing the immense agony he feels from the lack of sexual desire from his wife while he fights through the mental and physical aspects of his disease, even expressing that the lack of interest in him is more painful than the cancer itself.
- Craving warmth and intimacy, the man has reached out to a sex columnist for advice on how to fill his yearning during such a challenging time, admittedly craving the company of a sex worker. He has also alluded to suicidal thoughts, which he says he will not fulfill because of his young child.
- No matter how grave the situation, getting help is crucial, especially in this case. You don’t want to get to an even lower point due to guilt or further deteriorating mental or physical pain. Communication with your partner and also a mental health professional is imperative. There is always hope that things can get better. And desire can be filled in other ways than just sex, improving self-confidence and feelings of self-worth can go a long way.
Admittedly craving the warmth of a female body next to him, the man has reached out to a sex columnist for advice on how to fill his yearning for intimacy during such a challenging time.
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The cancer patient makes a point to note that his wife is “kind, caring and compassionate. She has gone above and beyond with this cancer business and put up with far more BS from me before than she has ever deserved. She just seems to have zero interest in sex with me. I don’t blame her.”
“In the meantime,” he added, “I am DESPERATE to have a warm, female body next to me at night, and to have sex.”
‘Considering a Sex Worker’
He said he “offered her an exit,” after his diagnosis so she “didn’t have to endure it with me,” truly wanting her to move on with her life if she chose, but she said that he was “being ridiculous.”
Admitting he is considering a sex worker, he is seeking help on what to do. “The lack of sexual interest from my wife often feels worse than the cancer treatment.”
Tragically, if it weren’t for their small child, he says he would consider “ending it all.”
In a response, the columnist, Rick Juzwiak, replied that he does not condone cheating with his sexual advice, and instead, favors communication.
“Tell your wife that you’re considering a sex worker. See what kind of reaction that gets,” he encouraged. “Maybe she will shut down, maybe she will get angry, maybe she will calmly discuss it with you, maybe she will immediately give you her blessing.”
“Let her have the initial reaction,” Juzwiak advised.
Communication with Your Partner Is Imperative amid Feelings of Grief
Overall, he empathized with the man’s immense “portrait of pain” that he presented, from his advanced cancer to his “self-denigration” regarding his sexual abilities to the heartbreaking scenario with his wife.
No matter how grave the situation, getting help is crucial, especially in this situation. You don’t want to get to an even lower point due to guilt or further deteriorating mental or physical pain. Communication with your partner and also a mental health professional is imperative, especially considering the level of intensity this person is feeling and the suicidal thoughts mentioned, whether joking/exaggerating or not, it demands urgent outreach to someone you can trust.
Dealing with grief related to health problems
“Grief comes in waves,” Dr. Scott Irwin, a psychiatrist and Director of Supportive Care Services at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, told SurvivorNet. “They’re grieving the change in their life, the future they had imagined is now different.” Some days can be tougher than others, but Dr. Irwin says talk therapy is helpful so it’s important to reach out to your doctor, to a therapist or to support groups in your community.
In the meantime, check out SurvivorNet’s mental health resources HERE that can help while you wait to connect with someone.
Talking to a trusted friend, family member or support group can also do wonders for making you feel less alone. While we understand the desire and seeking of fulfillment, perhaps there are other activities, along with self-love, that someone can do in this situation to improve self-confidence and self-esteem, whether it’s getting more physical activity in or deep meditation, painting, writing … it is worth exploring as many healthy activities as possible to help ease your pain during this time.
Give your wife another chance. As Juzwiak mentioned, maybe she will truly start to understand the gravity of your feelings.
Seeing a therapist together and talking it through is also a good idea. Sometimes a neutral party can help convey each person’s thoughts and desires and help you get back on the same page. Intimacy can be felt with more than just sex, so if you are feeling inadequate, there are other ways to connect and feel pleasure together.
How Cancer Can Affect a Man’s Sex Life
While the anonymous writer did not specify the type of cancer he has, since he mentioned his penis was affected from surgery, it could be from prostate cancer, as many men suffer surgery side effects. Testicular cancer is another type of cancer that can affect the male anatomy.
RELATED: How Partial Gland Ablation Is Helping Prostate Cancer Survivors Preserve Sexual and Urinary Function
More than half – and up to 80% – of men report difficulty getting or maintaining an erection after surgery or radiation for prostate cancer.
Supportive care for sexual and urinary dysfunction after partial gland ablation may include the following:
- Medication: Some drugs may help to improve erectile function and increase blood flow to the penis. Other drugs may help to reduce urinary urgency, frequency, or leakage.
- Devices: Some devices, such as vacuum pumps, penile implants, or artificial urinary sphincters, can help to restore sexual function or urinary continence. These devices may require surgery.
- Pelvic floor exercises: Exercises, usually taught by a physical therapist, can help strengthen the muscles that support the bladder, prostate, and penis to improve erectile function and urinary control.
- Counseling: Psychological support or sex therapy can help cope with the emotional impact of sexual or urinary dysfunction.
Just know that a healthy sex life is possible after prostate surgery, and doctors suggest consulting a sex therapist or a counselor.
Partial gland ablation can help reduce the risk of sexual side effects
A new type of procedure known as partial gland ablation may help reduce the risk of these common issues while still doing a good job of treating the cancer. This is welcome news for men who are good candidates for the procedure — those who have localized prostate cancer, where the disease is confined to specific areas within the prostate gland.
“Most men get back to most regular activities as soon as the catheter is out,” Dr. James Wysock, a urologist specializing in urological cancers at the Perlmutter Cancer Center at NYU Langone, previously told SurvivorNet.
Dr. Wysock added that, although partial gland ablation usually preserves erectile function it may create a new problem known as “dry ejaculation”.
“[The procedure] will decrease the volume of semen that a man produces and it may also impair the mechanisms that propel semen at the time of ejaculation and therefore men may notice no ejaculate and we’ll call a dry ejaculation or a dry orgasm.” he explained. “The sensation of orgasm would all be the same, but this is actually a new challenge.”
If you have any of these complications after the procedure, tell your doctor immediately.
Sex & Intimacy
Sex is something that’s often overlooked when it comes to cancer treatment. Doctors are so focused on keeping patients alive, that the sexual side effects that come with cancer treatment aren’t really factored in as an important part of the equation. This is an issue that comes up often when we interview both male and female survivors.
But cancer can also open up doors to exploring your body in a way you never have before. Breast cancer survivor Ericka Hart said anyone worrying that they may never have sex again after facing cancer, really shouldn’t.
“If you’ve just been diagnosed and you are thinking you’re never going to have sex again, think again,” Hart said, sharing that it helped her learn a new sexual avenue.
Kink and BDSM can be a ‘beautiful way to reclaim your body,’ says survivor Ericka Hart
“Kink and BDSM was a huge part of my healing. When you go through breast cancer, it’s almost like a non-consensual pain you’re going through … but to have someone spank you, or flog you, or even choke you in a consensual way that you’re asking for can be a really beautiful way to reclaim your body.”
Expressing fantasies, watching adult films together — from the highly tasteful to the taboo — and reading erotic poetry or literature are other ways to spice up your sex life as a couple (or to explore individually).
If single, online dating may open up opportunity for virtual communication sexually. Some feel more fulfilled just having an emotional connection with someone, even if the person is across the world.
Mental Health: Checking In With Yourself
The term mental health refers to both our emotional and psychological well-being. Our mental health can affect how we think, feel, and behave. Certain triggers like stress, traumatic events, or change in your physical health can affect mental health.
RELATED: Try This Simple, Guided Grounding Exercise to Help Manage Anxiety
It’s really important to keep tabs on your mental health and, if necessary, seek treatment. This doesn’t necessarily mean traditional therapy because while it may be really helpful (even life-changing) for some, that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.
Problems with mood and overall mental well-being can be attributed to several factors. For some people it’s genetic, while others may be experiencing a response to some sort of stressor or past trauma.
Dr. Samantha Boardman, a New York-based psychologist, explains how to be “realistically optimistic” when learning to cope with mental health struggles.
In order to keep your mental health in check, it’s important to be aware of signs which can be subtle that there is something affecting your mind. These signs include:
- A change in eating or sleeping habits
- Losing interest in people or usual activities
- Experiencing little or no energy
- Numb and/or hopeless feelings
- Turning to drinking or drugs more than usual
- Non-typical angry, upset, or on-edge feelings
- Yelling/fighting with loved ones
- Experiencing mood swings
- Intrusive thoughts
- Trouble getting through daily tasks
These symptoms can be wide-ranging and vary a great deal from person to person. Everyone experiences grief differently, for example. However, if you are feeling unusually sad, on-edge, or like you’re no longer interested in activities you used to love, know that there are many treatment options available and many different healthy ways to help you cope.
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