Viola Davis and Reconciliation
- Actress Viola Davis is about to debut her book Finding Me: A Memoir later this month. Ahead of its release, she openly discussed her own reconciliation, as well as her mother’s reconciliation, to Davis’ abusive father before his passing from pancreatic cancer.
- Pancreatic cancer is an aggressive disease that is difficult to detect because symptoms including jaundice and weight loss typically present at a later stage in the cancer's development.
- A licensed marriage and family therapist explains the complexity of loss and opportunities or missed opportunities of reconciliation with SurvivorNet. Reconciling with a family member or loved one before they pass may or may not bring a great sense of comfort to both parties involved.
Davis, 56, is a Tony, Oscar and Emmy winner actress. She’s also a mother to Genesis, 11, and wife to actor Julius Tennon, 68, but her most recent project is not as much about her present as it is about her past. In Finding Me: A Memoir, set to be released on April 26, 2022, Davis shares her story “from a crumbling apartment in Central Falls, Rhode Island, to the stage in New York City, and beyond.”
Read MoreShe candidly spoke about the physical and emotional abuse her mother, Mae Alice, endured at the hands of her father for years. Dan regularly beat Mae Alice, but she always stood by his side. Thankfully, Dan made peace with Mae Alice before his death from cancer.
“My dad changed,” Davis said. “My mom said he apologized to her every single day. Every single day, he rubbed her feet. Forgiveness is not pretty. Sometimes people don’t understand that life is not a Thursday-night lineup on ABC. It is messy.”
She continued by talking about the intricacy of her own healing when it came to making peace with Dan before his death.
“He did hurt me then, but love and forgiveness can operate on the same plane as anger,” she said.
She also said that, through it all, she knew there was love in his heart for her.
“I wanted to love my dad,” she said. “And here’s the thing: My dad loved me. I saw it. I felt it. I received it, and I took it. For me, that’s a much better gift and less of a burden than going through my entire life carrying that big, heavy weight of who he used to be and what he used to do. That’s my choice. That’s my legacy: forgiving my dad.”
And now Davis proudly looks back on her life and is grateful for every twist and turn in the road she’s paved.
“I count it all as joy. I do,” she said. “All of those things happened to me, but I own it. And it’s a part of who I am.
“It’s given me an extraordinary sense of compassion… It’s reconciling that young girl in me and healing from the pastand finding home.”
Understanding Pancreatic Cancer
Pancreatic cancer is an aggressive disease that is difficult to detect because symptoms including jaundice and weight loss typically present at a later stage in the cancer's development. In a previous interview with SurvivorNet, Dr. Anirban Maitra, the co-leader of the Pancreatic Cancer Moon Shot at MD Anderson Cancer Center, explains what he typically sees when patients develop this disease.
"Because the pancreas is inside the abdomen it often doesn't have symptoms that would tell you that something is wrong with your pancreas," he says. "By the time individuals walk into the clinic with symptoms like jaundice, weight loss, back pain or diabetes, it's often very late in the stage of the disease."
Detecting Pancreatic Cancer Early Is Crucial
Parents, siblings and children of someone with pancreatic cancer are considered high risk for developing the disease because they are first-degree relatives of the individual. PGVs (pathogenic germline variants) are changes in reproductive cells (sperm or egg) that become part of the DNA in the cells of the offspring. Germline variants are passed from parents to their children, and are associated with increased risks of several cancer types, including pancreatic, ovarian and breast cancers. Germline mutations in ATM, BRCA1, BRCA2, CKDN2A, PALB2, PRSS1, STK11 and TP53 are associated with increased risk of pancreatic cancer.
Jessica Everett, a genetic counselor at NYU Langone's Perlmutter Cancer Center, encourages people in this category to look into possible screening options.
"If you're concerned about pancreatic cancer in your family, start by talking to a genetic counselor to learn more about your risk and what options you have," Everett said.
Reconciliation and Cancer
Reconciling with an ill relative or friend before their passing can be complex. And it’s not uncommon for people to feel guilty if they don’t make amends with a loved one before their death, no matter how poor of a relationship they had.
Natalie D'Annibale, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, previously spoke with SurvivorNet about the multidimensional emotion that is grief.
"Reconciliation within interpersonal relationships may or may not benefit the survivor at the time of a family member's or former friend's passing," she said.
D'Annibale went on to explain that it is normal to experience feelings of remorse or regret if the survivor had caused emotional (or physical) harm to the person who died, particularly if apologies were not extended to and/or apologies were not accepted by the deceased.
"Conversely, there might be a great relief following the passing of someone who has caused great harm to the survivor," she said. "If the person who abused you in life by way of emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse passes away, there can be great relief and finality at the time of their death."
D'Annibale says a loved one with a long-term illness may create "compassion fatigue."
"[At the time of passing] there is relief that the loved one is no longer in pain and that their responsibilities have lessened," she said.
The type of relationship, the ages of the parties, the length of the relationship, the years out of communication and the willingness to accept responsibility are all additional factors to consider in how one might feel surviving the loss of another.
"Most importantly, would be for the survivor to take the time to explore and understand the stages of grief. Those would include shock and denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression and ultimately acceptance," she said. "It is quite common to experience the stages repeatedly during the first year of loss. Reminders, holidays, birthdays, special events, etc. will continue to trigger the survivor and may reengage memories that are either positive or negative of the person who died."
Finding a licensed therapist who specializes in grief and loss as well as grief and loss support groups is the most beneficial route to take for the individual survivor to explore their feelings.
Finding Peace with a Loved One during Their Cancer Battle
Camila Legaspi knows a thing or two about finding peace when a family member is dying. She and her mother did not have a strained relationship before her mother’s passing from breast cancer, but she definitely struggled to come to terms with the reality of her mother’s situation. But in the final months before her mother's death, their relationship grew stronger than ever.
Regaining a Sense of Self After Losing A Loved One
"I mean, I look at that year, and I feel like my relationship with my mom just improved and developed so much, even though there was this unspoken disease that was going on and that obviously overshadowed a lot of things," Legaspi previously told SurvivorNet. "There was something about those moments with my mom and now knowing that she tried really hard to maintain this happiness and this love in our household makes the small things we did so powerful."
Legaspi recalled one day, in particular, that she spent with her mother towards the end of her cancer battle.
"I remember specifically something we always used to do would be walk the reservoir in Central Park," Legaspi said. "And it seems like such a simple thing to walk in the park with your mom, but knowing that I was walking in the park with my mom while she was struggling with this massive, massive life sentence, in some ways, but still making time to enjoy these small, simple moments with her daughter… There was kind of a peace that existed between us that only really appeared that year."
Contributing: Marisa Sullivan
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