Relationships and Cancer
- One reddit user took to the online discussion forum to share the struggles she’s faced with her partner since receiving her cancer diagnosis.
- Going through cancer treatment can be a very vulnerable and emotionally exhausting experience, so it can help to have a strong relationship to lean on for support. That being said, it’s important to notice what you have strength for and what is feeling like too much during your cancer journey and that includes your relationships.
- There’s ample evidence that health outcomes are better when somebody has an incredible caregiver by their side, according to one of our experts. But being a good caregiver also means taking care of yourself.
Reddit user @feathernose recently posted on the platform to ask for advice regarding her “rocky” relationship with her partner. She says she’s not the woman she used to be prior to her cancer diagnosis and is feeling unsure about her long-term partner.
Read MoreHer partner has been taking care of her for quite some time now through all the highs and lows of a cancer journey including the diminished mood, medication side effects and self-esteem issues.
“I recently got off meds (opioids). I haven’t been myself during using and quitting these meds,” she wrote. “I was very demanding, irritable, never satisfied. I understand that he feels there hasn’t been room for his needs for too long.”
She also added that she feels her illness is holding her partner back from pursuing his dreams. Feeling anxious and heartbroken, the Reddit user gave a sincere plea for help.
“I think I might need some encouraging words or advice,” she wrote. “It feels so unfair that my illness probably destroyed an otherwise good relationship. We used to be very happy together.”
Having a Supportive Partner during a Cancer Battle
Unfortunately, the Reddit user’s experience is not unique. It’s no secret that fighting cancer can be extremely overwhelming, so having physical and emotional support during your battle is crucial. That being said, it’s very important to know your limits on what you can handle including relationships during treatment.
“Going through treatment is a very vulnerable and emotionally exhausting experience,” licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin wrote in a column for SurvivorNet. “Noticing what you have strength for and what is feeling like too much… [is] extremely important to pay attention to as you navigate treatment.”
Dr. Strongin does note, however, that having people by your side during this “arduous chapter” of your life can be hugely beneficial.
“Studies have found consistently that loneliness is a significant risk factor for physical and mental illnesses and the trajectory of recovery,” she wrote. “Therefore, it will be important that you surround yourself with individuals who care and support you throughout your treatment.”
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For actress and melanoma survivor Jill Kargman, cancer was a true test of the strength for her relationship. In an earlier interview with SurvivorNet, Kargman says the disease “is a great way to find out if you're with the love of your life or a shithead.”
Jill Kargman on Relationships and Cancer
“I think it presses the fast forward button on getting to the bottom of that answer, because a lot of people in middle age are kind of at a crossroads, waiting for their kids to fly the coop,” Kargman said. “I think if you're with someone who is not supportive and kind of emotionally checked out or doesn't tell you you're still beautiful with that, this might not be your person.”
Tips for Caregivers
Being a cancer caregiver is not easy. Sometimes the dynamic of a relationship can change when a partner fills that role, like we saw in the Reddit response above, but it’s important to acknowledge the complexities of that role and do what you can as the person with cancer or the caregiver to communicate needs on both ends.
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“Caregiving is the most important job in the universe, because you are there through the highs and lows,” Julie Bulger, manager of patient and family-centered care at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville, TN, tells SurvivorNet. “You are there to support your loved one, to manage all of the daily tasks as everything is changing in your life.”
Bulger’s advice is to try to prevent or reduce the risk of caregiver burnout, or the stress, anger, fatigue and illness that can result from putting another person's needs above your own.
“It is important to have some things that you can do outside of the focus of caring for somebody that you love with cancer,” she said.
According to Bulger, doing so can look as simple as taking a walk or getting a massage, but it can also mean visiting a support group for cancer caregivers and/or seeing a therapist if you’re struggling to cope with all of the weighty responsibilities. Regardless of how you chose to prioritize your own health, it’s important to understand that research shows that caregivers who take good care of themselves provide the best quality of care. So, by taking care of yourself, you are “helping your loved one in more ways than you know.”
“There's so much evidence that outcomes are better when somebody has an incredible caregiver by their side,” Bulger said.
Jesus Trejo’s profession doesn’t revolve around caregiving, but he most certainly knows what it means to be a cancer caregiver. And, in the true spirit of his job as a stand-up comedian in Long Beach, California, his advice for caregivers is simple: laugh often.
Trejo became a caregiver for both of his parents after his mother was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and his father was later faced with colon cancer. But instead of panicking and focusing on the devastating nature of the situation, the only child stepped up to care for his parents with love and laughter. In a previous interview with SurvivorNet, Trejo explained how he put his career aside to care for his parents in their time of need while remaining positive and making time to smile along the way.
Stand-Up Comedian & Cancer Caregiver Jesus Trejo Reminds Us That 'Laughter is a Game-Changer'
“The only advice I have for anyone watching this is laugh and laugh often, laugh at yourself,” Trejo told SurvivorNet. “Don't take yourself seriously. Things are already bad. Because once you do that, it's a game-changer.”
He also says the laughter itself might be brief, but "the effects of it just reverberate through your body, and can change an already bad situation into a better one."
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