Coping With a Loved One's Cancer Diagnosis
- TV presenter Lara Spencer recently announced that her mom Carolyn von Seelen is battling cancer. Despite this saddening news, the 54-year-old creator and host of the TV show “Flea Market Flip,”maintains hope and positivity alongside her incredible support system.
- Speaking on how people respond to a stressful life event, like a loved one being diagnosed with cancer, Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik told SurvivorNet, “The way people respond is very variable. Very much consistent with how they respond to stresses and challenges in their life in general.”
- When struggling with a new stressor, there are many different, and healthy, ways to cope. Some people may seek out traditional therapy, and there should be no shame in that.
- Watching someone you care about struggle with illness is difficult enough, but to be suddenly dealing with the responsibility of caring for them can make the situation that much harder, particularly if you’re nervous you’re not qualified. While you, of course, want to do all you can for your loved one, it’s important to acknowledge your own needs as well.
- “When you find yourself suddenly having to care for somebody, to be the primary lifeline for them, you very well could have mixed emotion,” Pastor Tom Evans, who cared for his own father as he went through Alzheimer’s, told SurvivorNet.
The 54-year-old creator and host of the TV show “Flea Market Flip,” on HGTV and the Great American Country channel, shared the news in a heartfelt social media post this week—ultimately revealing her incredible support system and uplifting attitude amid adversity.
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Her post prompted fans to offer kind and supportive words, with one commenting, “Oh Lara I didn’t know about your mom! I just love her. She always appears so happy and is so attractive.
“If she is anything like you cancer doesn’t have a chance!! I will keep her in my prayers.”
Another fan wrote, ” Amazing picture of you Young Ladies! You both look Fabulous! Love & Prayers to you!”
“Sending prayers for your mom. Just keep moving and making memories. Outlook is the key to recovery,” a third fan added.
The 54-year-old New York Times bestselling author didn’t elaborate on what type of cancer, or stage, her mom is battling, however, she recently admitted her family has been through a “scary couple of months” leading up to the holidays.
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Back in December, Spencer shared some heartwarming family photos, which include her mom, and captioned the post, “Before we get to Christmas, I have to catch up and post some of the many special pictures from our Thanksgiving. We didn’t have everyone there-but having 3 out of her 5 kids made my mom really happy, not to mention lots of the grandkids and her two adorable great grands!
“It’s been a scary couple of months for her (and all of us) and we were so thankful for the time together. (And yes, I have left out all photos not approved by a certain someone lol:).”
Expert Support Resources
- I Wanted to Be Me Again, But I Also Needed Their Help — Finding That Support System
- The ‘Ultimate’ Gift — Former Soap Star Cameron Mathison on Family, and the Importance of Support Systems
- 8 Ways to Support Someone Battling Cancer: The Inspiring Story of Levon Helm
- A Cancer Survivor’s Ode To Friends and Family: “My Support System Helped Me Heal”
It’s clear that Spencer, a mom of two, has a strong support system, as she is one of five siblings, during this arduous time of her mom’s cancer journey.
Additionally, Spencer’s positive outlook on her mom’s diagnosis and how she’s often seen with her loving family members in her social media posts shows the TV personality to be coping well as her mom fights cancer.
Power of Support
A support system can be made up of loved ones like family and friends. It can also be comprised of strangers who have come together because of a shared cancer experience. Mental health professionals can also be critical parts of a support system.
WATCH: Sharing details about your cancer diagnosis.
“Some people don’t need to go outside of their family and friend’s circle. They feel like they have enough support there,” psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik told SurvivorNet.
“But for people who feel like they need a little bit more, it’s important to reach out to a mental health professional,” Dr. Plutchik added.
Dr. Plutchik also stressed it is important for people supporting cancer warriors to understand their emotions can vary day-to-day.
“People can have a range of emotions, they can include fear, anger, and these emotions tend to be fluid. They can recede and return based on where someone is in the process,” Dr. Plutchik said.
Coping With a Loved One’s Cancer Diagnosis: Prioritizing Your Mental Health
When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer and you suddenly find yourself filling the role of a caregiver, the lifestyle change can be jarring. Caregivers are often spouses, partners, adult children, parents, or trusted friends of the person living with cancer. Although it’s unclear what stage or type of cancer Lara Spencer’s mom has or whether she’s in need of a caregiver, it’s important to remember that many people welcome the role of caregiver and the opportunity to help out someone they care about deeply, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Filling a caregiver role can be extremely stressful and caregivers often neglect their own needs, which can create a host of additional problems.
RELATED: Check Out SurvivorNet’s Resources on Mental Health
So what can caregivers do to make sure they are healthy, both mentally and physically, as well? We spoke to doctors, patient advocates, spiritual leaders, and caregivers who have been through cancer with someone they love dearly to round up some of the best advice.
And if you need help with finances, we provide resources you can consider to cope with the cancer bills. If your loved one has just been diagnosed and you are just starting your journey as a caregiver, here are the first steps you should take.
Don’t Hold in Your Feelings
Watching someone you care about struggle with illness is difficult enough, but to be suddenly dealing with the responsibility of caring for them can make the situation that much harder, particularly if you’re nervous you’re not qualified. While you, of course, want to do all you can for your loved one, it’s important to acknowledge your own needs as well.
“When you find yourself suddenly having to care for somebody, to be the primary lifeline for them, you very well could have mixed emotion,” Pastor Tom Evans, who cared for his own father as he went through Alzheimer’s, told SurvivorNet.
“Maybe it’s anger. Maybe this person never cared for you in the past, and now you have to do it for them. And maybe you’re gonna feel like you’re selfish when you need a break.”
Pastor Tom Evans Shares Advice For Managing Life As a Caregiver
Pastor Evans stressed that needing a break when you’re filling the role of caregiver is not selfish, it should be expected. No one can be a caregiver 24/7, 365 days a year.
“So, you need to find time where you’re not doing that and where others are helping you,” he said. “In those frustrations and that anger, take time to find someone to express that to, whether it’s a friend, whether it’s a pastor, whether it’s a neighbor, because as you work that out of your system, you’ll be better able to be there for them.”
Try ‘Realistic Optimism’
Negative thought patterns can make already difficult situations more of a challenge to handle. There is real power in positivity. Of course, it’s easier said than done. Dr. Samantha Boardman, a New York-based psychiatrist, said when patients are struggling with some pervasive patterns of negative thinking, she often works with them to try to deconstruct that mindset.
“Take a look at your beliefs. Do you have any sort of fixed belief that may be counterproductive, that are impeding you from taking positive steps? So something that’s holding you back, thinking, oh, this always happens to me, or maybe this is something that’s always going to be haunting me, or following me,” Dr. Boardman explained to SurvivorNet in an earlier interview.
Dr. Samantha Boardman On Being ‘Realistically Optimistic’
Dismantling these negative patterns of thinking can help you to be happier with yourself, and to be a better caregiver. Dr. Boardman refers to this mindset as being “realistically optimistic” about your situation.
Take Time for Yourself, Too
Everyone needs time for themselves and if you have been in the house caring for a loved one for weeks, or even months, it’s natural to begin to feel burdened. To avoid creating problems for your own health, try to take time for yourself as often as you can. This could be as simple as a 30-minute walk every morning, taking in a movie at a theatre a few times a month, or hitting the gym for a run once or twice a week.
Pastor Evans noted that trying to be a caregiver 24/7 will “break anybody.”
RELATED: Caregiving Can be an Opportunity for Healing
If you can’t, or don’t feel comfortable, leaving the person you are caring for alone for any significant amount of time, ask for help. Maybe you have a friend or family member who can relieve you of caregiving duties a few times a week so you can tend to your own needs.
If you are struggling to find someone to stay with the person you care for, your community may have options for respite care or sitter-companion services. These terms refer to someone who can come to your home, get to know the patient, and occasionally visit to relief you of caregiving duties for a short time.
Don’t Neglect Your Basic Needs
People who take on caregiving roles often find themselves neglecting their own basic needs. But you’ll be a better caregiver if you also prioritize caring for yourself. Taking care of your health, whether that be with diet, exercise, or making time for activities you enjoy, is still critically important.
Julie Bulger’s Tips For Caregivers
“It is important to have some things that you can do that’s kind of outside of the focus of caring for somebody that you love with cancer,” Julie Bulger, manager of patient and family-centered care at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville, told SurvivorNet. Bulger suggested caregivers find some activities that help them relax like taking a walk or going for a massage.
“…there’s a lot of opportunities for support virtually through educational resources, support communities,” she added. “You can talk to somebody. You can get therapy virtually now.”
Seek Professional Help If You Need It
When a stressful life event occurs, like a loved one being diagnosed with cancer, people respond in a variety of ways.
“The way people respond is very variable,” Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik told SurvivorNet. “Very much consistent with how they respond to stresses and challenges in their life in general.”
When struggling with a new stressor, there are many different, and healthy, ways to cope. Some people may seek out traditional therapy, and there should be no shame in that.
Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik discusses how people respond to stressors in different ways.
If you are struggling mentally due to the stress of caring for a loved one, there are many options that may be able to help you cope. These include:
- Seeking professional help from a psychiatrist or therapist
- Learning healthy coping skills
- Medication such as antidepressants
- Adding more physical activity to your routine
- Adjusting your sleep schedule
- Connecting with others via support groups
- Mindfulness and meditation
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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