Coping With The Loss Of a Parent
- Academy Award–winning actress and Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow, 51, lost her dad, television producer Bruce Paltrow, to throat cancer more than two decades ago when he was just 58—a life event which prompted her to get into wellness, she revealed this week on social media.
- Dealing with the loss of a loved one to cancer is incredibly challenging, but moving forward with the lessons your loved one shared and remembering you don’t have to forget them can be a great place to start.
- If you’re working to overcome adversity, try making a plan. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
- Grief is an unavoidable and important part of healing following the loss of a loved one to cancer, and talk therapy can be a useful tool to cope.
Paltrow, author of New York Times–bestselling cookbooks and the founder of the lifestyle company Goop, took to social media this week to reflect on how her father’s passing motivated her to focus on the importance of health and wellness.
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“And that started to catalyze my foray into understanding food, environmental toxins, food as medicine [and] alternative stuff like acupuncture.”
She continued, “So it started a long time ago. It started in 1990 … I don’t know, in the mid-’90s … Because of my dad.”
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Earlier this year, Paltrow admitted in another Instagram story post that she was “still having a very hard time 20 years later” following her dad’s passing.
“It’s a lifelong process. It just takes time,” she said.
In another Q&A Instagram story session from last year, according to People, Paltrow revealed what she misses most from her father, saying, “I miss my dad so much and I miss his humor. I was just on a walk with a friend this morning, and even she was talking about the things that my dad used to say.
“His phrases. He was kind of a philosopher, in his own way. And just had the most brilliant one-liners.”
She continued, “He helped me get through life and [taught me] how to deal with a lot of stuff, and he would have helped me keep perspective all the time.”
Paltrow—who rose to fame in the 1990s and is also known for her roles in “Shakespeare in Love” and “Iron Man”—founded the health and wellness company “Goop” back in 2008. She often offers healthy lifestyle advice on the company’s website, podcasts and social media.
Her dad Bruce Paltrow, passed away in October 2002 after battling throat (oropharyngeal) cancer.
Oropharyngeal cancer may present symptoms like a lump in the neck or a sore throat. The National Cancer Institute says smoking or the human papillomavirus (HPV) are risk factors for this type of oral cancer.
Speaking to The Graham Norton Show last year, Paltrow also admitted her dad played a role into what type of person she’s become and how she shouldn’t let fame get to her head.
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“My philosophy is, like, fame is actually not very good for us as people because everybody starts removing all of your obstacles, and I think friction is actually what makes you grow, she explained.
“And so all of a sudden, I was a pretty young woman and everyone was removing my obstacles and I got to stop waiting on line etc. whatever the case was, and I think incrementally, I started just behaving a little strangely or a little weird.”
Recounting her dad’s reality check toward her, she looked back at him telling her she’s “kind of turning into an a–hole.”
She added, “It ended up being this incredibly important moment in my life, where he really burst a bubble for me where I could see, ‘oh this is actually really dangerous that everybody is wanting to remove obstacles.”
Despite having dealt with the loss of a parent, Paltrow, who was previously married to Coldplay singer Chris Martin, the father of their two children, Apple and Moses, continues to make the most of every day, and life her healthiest life possible.
Paltrow, who is now married to writer Brad Falchuk, 53, spend most of her time with her loved ones and as the CEO of Goop.
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Her website explains, “Founded by Paltrow in 2008, goop was originally a lo-fi weekly newsletter, intended for family, friends, and friends of friends. A decade later, it’s grown into a 200-employee enterprise and a global brand that’s recognized for starting important conversations and pushing issues and ideas into the mainstream.”
Goop also has it’s own branded lines of skin care, clothing, vitamins, fragrance, supplements, and body products. The website focuses on “wellness, food, style, work, and travel.”
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Losing a Parent to Cancer
In a 2019 interview, Paltrow shared that her father had started feeling sick on a trip to Italy. He got double pneumonia and passed on Oct. 3, 2002, the same week as her birthday. The “Contagion” star admitted that her father’s memory has helped her overcome the depressing time, especially around her birthday.
“For years, I would go into kind of the deepest depression of all time around my birthday and then I thought: ‘I’ve got to reframe this somehow. My father would not want this for me,'” she previously said on the Armchair Experts podcast. The star even got married to her current husband close to where her father’s ashes are buried in the Hamptons so that he could be there in spirit.
Related: Having Oral Sex With Multiple Partners Can Increase Risk for Throat Cancer, Says New Study
“I still have a hard time with it,” Paltrow confessed. “He was such an intentional father, and he was so observant and so deeply supportive and set us up to win all the time. And now … [I have kids] I’m like, ‘F, I need to call my dad. I need to talk to my dad.’ And I don’t have that person. I have incredible people in my life, but I don’t have their grandfather, who was also the greatest father in the world.”
Remember, going through stages of grief is something everyone deals with after a friend or loved one passes away from cancer. When you lose a parent to cancer, especially if it happens at a younger age, that feeling of loss and sadness can really linger.
But that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.
‘Therapy Saved My Life’: After Losing A Loved One, Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help
In the case of Camila Legaspi, who lost her mom to breast cancer when she was in high school, she previously told SurvivorNet that the tragedy of losing a parent as a teenager kind of defined her high school experience.
After going off to college, she was able to turn that huge sense of loss that she felt into inspiration for creating.
“I actually took this sadness and let it motivate me,” Legaspi told SurvivorNet. “I learned that it’s OK to be sad sometimes. It’s OK to carry sadness with you … it’s not always a bad thing. It makes you who you are and it gives you a story to tell and it helps you teach other people to cope with their sadness.”
Legaspi, who is one of four siblings, described her mom as a very creative person. She said she turned to writing as an outlet and used her mother’s creativity as a motivator.
Legaspi went to Princeton University and got involved with the school’s magazine. She explained that instead of thinking of the loss of her mother as something terrible that happened to her family, she has let it serve as inspiration for poetry, fiction, or whatever else she may be inspired to write.
“I’ve learned to have it impact me in a positive way, and have it not just be a sad story, instead, I’m using it for a better purpose,” Legaspi said.
In an earlier interview with SurvivorNet, Caleb Farley opened up to us about his mother’s battle with breast cancer.
His mother fought two battles with cancer and he watched as she went through multiple rounds of chemotherapy while still working and taking care of their family.
Having lost his mom to breast cancer in 2018, he knew he wanted to be extra careful during the pandemic. When he had the chance to play as a cornerback for the Virginia Tech Hokies football team, he backed out due to COVID-19 concerns.
Farley announced the news of his decision not to play with Virginia Tech in an Instagram video saying, in part, “I cannot afford to lose another parent or loved one. Though the competitor in me badly wants to play this season, I cannot ignore what’s going on in my heart, and I must make the decision that brings me the most peace.”
(Farley trained for the NFL Draft instead of playing for Virginia Tech, and his efforts paid off. In the first round of the 2021 NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans selected Farley as the number 22 overall pick.)
Today, Farley is taking the many life lessons he learned from her and applying them to whatever challenges he faces in life.
‘Adversity And The Art of Happiness:’ How Hardship Makes You Even Stronger
Coping With Grief
Grief is known to “come in waves” and never fully leave you after a loved one has passed away. To grieve is to have fully loved someone, and that’s a beautiful thing, but the process of grief can be full of missing, longing, and sadness.
Coping with grief after the loss of a loved one, or after a diagnosis of a disease like cancer, can be helped by seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, or oncological social worker.
You don’t have to suffer through your grief alone. Seek outside support when you’ve lost someone close to you.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis
Overcoming Adversity
Overcoming adversity can seem daunting. Many people think reciting upbeat mottos or pretending to be cheerful will help, but these solutions can make someone feel even more dejected than before. Instead, focus on the following steps to make meaningful change.
1. Set a goal. No matter what the situation, create a new goal for yourself. If you have just been diagnosed with cancer or a chronic illness, perhaps one goal would be to educate yourself about the disease and the possible treatments as much as possible.
2. Make a plan. How will you achieve this goal? Your plan will help you focus on that goal. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems, such as lymphoma and other cancers. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
3. Rely on others. Spend time with people who show you unconditional support and encouragement. They will ease your stress and help you remember that you’re not alone in this! Dr. Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist and author, tells SurvivorNet that one “coping strategy that can be productive is reaching out, talking to others. Having support we know is really critical in the healing process.”
4. Use positive self-talk. Leave messages with affirmations in places you frequent. Put notes around your mirror or your computer screen that say “You got this!” or “Keep going!” Cut out inspirational quotes from people you admire and surround yourself with their words. Dr. Boardman explains to SurvivorNet that “Positive emotions have unique benefits above and beyond managing negative emotions.”
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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