The Power of Support
- In the documentary “Super/Man: The Christopher Reeve Story,” the late actor, who was left paralyzed after a 1995 horse-riding accident, revealed the powerful words his wife Dana uttered that ultimately saved his life. Dana, who was Reeve’s caregiver, was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer just 10 months after his passing in 2004. She passed away in 2006.
- Support through life’s challenges, even cancer treatment, can make the world of a difference, whether it’s support from friends, family, spouses, fellow cancer fighters or those with a disability in a support group.
- Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin previously wrote for SurvivorNet, that it’s “important that you surround yourself with individuals who care and support you throughout your treatment,” which she said can be an “arduous chapter.”
- Overcoming adversity can seem daunting but having a plan can make it feel achievable. It’s important to remember know that setting goals and breaking them into smaller steps is key. When going through a difficult time try setting a goal, making a plan, relying on others, and using positive self talk
- Assuming the role of a cancer caregiver when a spouse, parent, sibling, child, or friend is diagnosed with cancer comes with a unique set of responsibilities. The first thing to understand is that there is no shame in asking for help. This can be an overwhelming time for patients and their caregivers.
- SurvivorNet has a helpful guide for cancer caregivers that you can check out HERE.
Reeve—who passed away nine years after sustaining a spinal cord injury after from being thrown off a horse at an equestrian competition in Culpeper, Virginia—initially felt defeated when he woke up and was unable to move his body from his neck down, but his loving wife offered him some powerful words which gave him the power to thrive amid adversity.
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As Reeve is narrating, we’re offered a glimpse into his thoughts, where he thinks about how he’s “trapped,” “an idiot,” and has “no life,” following the incident.
Looking back on his accident, he explained how witnesses said he was “going not excessively fast,” adding that his horse Buck “all of a sudden just put on the brakes,” something horseback riders have dubbed a “dirty stop.”
He continued, “I landed right on my head, six feet four inches, 215 pounds of me.”
As for his condition, in the documentary, Reeve’s youngest son Will, who is now 32, said his dad’s mom wanted to pull his dad off life support and his mom Dana [Reeve’s wife] was against that.
Dana is seen in a video clip saying, “He’s a fighter, but this has to be the hardest challenge he’s ever faced. I know it’s mine.”
Reeve then recalls the life-changing words that gave him the will to live.
He is heard in the documentary saying, “Dana came into the room, she knelt down next to me and we made eye contact. And then I mouthed my first lucid words to her, ‘Maybe we should let me go.’
“Dana started crying and she said, ‘I’m only going to say this once. I’ll support whatever you want to do because this is your life and your decision. But I want you to know I’ll be with you for the long haul, no matter what.’
Guidance for Cancer Caregivers
Reeve continued, “‘And then she added the words that saved my life. ‘You’re still you and I love you.’ I think if she had looked away or paused or hesitated even slightly or if I had felt there was a sense of her being noble, I don’t know if I could have pulled through.”
Reeve also pointed out how he realized he was “able to still laugh,” especially when his fellow actor, late comedian Robin Williams, went to visit him after the accident.
The actor, who also played a paralyzed police officer in the movie “Above Suspicion,” which premiered less than a week before his accident, looked back on his time preparing for that movie, he admitted he regrets thinking “Thank God that’s not me” when he played the role of a disabled man, “without realizing that in a second” that could be him.
Following his accident, when he was transferred the Kessler Institute for Rehabilitation in New Jersey, Reeve praised Dr. Stephen Kirshbaum for giving him a “tremendous psychological boost” as he felt optimistic with the therapy he was undergoing.
He also slowly felt more at ease with his situation and was able connect with many others who were living with disabilities like himself, and offer them a glimpse of hope. He ultimately received more and more praise from well-wishers.
“I couldn’t give up because nerves can find new pathways,” Reeve is then heard saying in the film. “My mind wandered back to my weight-training for Superman, when I could bench press my own weight.”
As for the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation, which is devoted to finding new treatments for paralysis, such as stem cells, Reeve’s son Will said, “”Tomorrow’s cure. That is all my dad. Where Dana comes in, is today’s care because her whole life became dedicated to caring for my dad, and for me, and my family.”
Expert Resources On Caregiving
- Caregiving Isn’t Easy; Recognize That You May Need Help
- Caregiving: An Opportunity for Healing
- How to Handle the Emotional Toll of Caring for a Loved One With Cancer: Prioritizing Your Mental Health
- SN & You Presents Mental Health: Coping With Emotions
- Patrick Dempsey’s Advice to Cancer Caregivers: Take Care of Yourself, Too
- The First Steps to Take as a Caregiver When a Loved One is Diagnosed With Cancer
Reeve says in the documentary, as heartwarming footage of him and his wife Dana is played, “She rescued me when I was lying in Virginia wit ha broken body. But that was really the second time. The first time she rescued me was the night she met.”
He explains further in the latter part of the documentary, “I was a sailor. I was a skier. I was a rider. I traveled everywhere. And you realize that is not the definition or the essence of your existence.
“What is the essence are your relationships.”
Reeve has three children William, whom he shares with Dana, and Alexandra, 41, and Matthew, 44, his daughter and son he had with his ex-girlfriend Gae Exton. He admits in the documentary that his accident ultimately brought his family closer together.
Sadly, Reeve’s wife, singer and philanthropist Dana Reeve, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer as a non-smoker at just 44 years old — just 10 months after her husband died from heart failure in October 2004.
She later passed away in March 2006 after battling stage 4 on-small cell lung cancer, the most common type of the disease, which makes up about 85% of cases.
Her cancer fight is a reminder to others take time out for their own health, even while taking on the role of such a difficult and rewarding job as a caregiver.
Dana Reeve’s Diagnosis
Ten months after Dana lost her husband, she developed a persistent cough. After getting a chest x-ray, doctors saw a shadow over her lung, and a CT scan/biopsy confirmed the diagnosis.
The New Jersey-born actress, who was raised in Scarsdale, New York, had spent a lot of time performing around New York City, in regional theaters and appeared on Broadway. Not letting her diagnosis get in the way of her passion, she continued to perform at venues such at Madison Square Garden throughout her illness and a recording of Dana singing was played at the world-famous venue to honor her the day that she died.
Reeve and his wife are survived by their son Will, who was just 13 years old when he lost his mom, and Reeve’s two oldest children. All three kids serve on the board of the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation and continue to carry on the advocacy work and legacy of their parents.
Knowing When to Ask for Help as a Caregiver
Prior to Dana’s passing, she wrote a candid public letter to fellow caregivers, acknowledging the stress and exhaustion it can bring, and urged fellow caregivers to “never be embarrassed” to reach out for support themselves.
Caregiving Isn’t Easy; Recognize That You May Need Help
Dear Caregiver,
After my husband Christopher was injured, it became obvious that paralysis is a family issue. Taking care of our family’s physical, emotional, social and economic needs can be fulfilling and rewarding. But providing care to a person who is paralyzed is a job we don’t always expect to get.
We mourn our loved one’s loss of mobility and independence. We also mourn our own losses: We feel isolated; we have no personal time; we feel exhausted, overwhelmed. And we feel no one else understands the demands placed upon us.
A caregiver must deal with medical concerns, hygiene, transportation, financial planning, advocacy, and end-of-life issues. Being an effective caregiver means gaining some sense of control over the situation. One way this is done is through information, and by sharing experiences or solving problems with other caregivers.
Please know that you are not alone, that you are extremely valuable, and that you and your family can lead active, fulfilling lives despite the challenges of paralysis. Don’t ever be embarrassed to ask our Paralysis Resource Center for assistance. Just call toll-free 1-800-539-7309.
Best Wishes,
Dana Reeve
Dr. Kathie-Ann Joseph explains how patient navigators can help throughout the treatment process.
Remember, when you suddenly find yourself acting as a caregiver, the lifestyle adjustment can be jarring. Many people welcome the role of cancer caregiver and the opportunity to help out someone they care about deeply but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Filling a caregiver role can be extremely stressful and caregivers often neglect their own needs, which can create a host of additional problems. Experts stress that you will be a better caregiver if you also prioritize caring for yourself. Taking care of your health whether that be with diet, exercise, or making time for activities you enjoy is still crucial.
Julie Bulger gives some tips on how caregivers can care for themselves.
“It is important to have some things that you can do that’s kind of outside of the focus of caring for somebody that you love with cancer,” Julie Bulger, manager of patient and family-centered care at Vanderbilt-Ingram Cancer Center in Nashville, previously told SurvivorNet. Bulger suggested caregivers find some activities that help them relax like taking a walk or going for a massage.
“There’s a lot of opportunities for support virtually through educational resources, support communities,” she added. “You can talk to somebody. You can get therapy virtually now.”
Finding Support Through Adversity
Feeling support from a significant other, like Reeve’s wife, friends or a coworkers who has become like family, like Robin Roberts was to Reeves, can help you express your feelings and maintain a positive attitude during a health battle.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin previously wrote for SurvivorNet, that it’s “important that you surround yourself with individuals who care and support you throughout your treatment,” which she said can be an “arduous chapter.”
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That being said, it’s very important to know your limits on what you can handle amid treatment for cancer or struggling with a disability.
“Going through treatment is a very vulnerable and emotionally exhausting experience,” she wrote. “Noticing what you have strength for and what is feeling like too much extremely important to pay attention to as you navigate treatment.”
It is important that anyone in the midst of a health battle to have a strong support system. So how can you support a loved on in your life who is fighting cancer, is disabled, or battling a rare disease? SurvivorNet suggests multiple ways you can do so.
Dr. Shelly Tworoger, a researcher at Moffitt Cancer Center told SurvivorNet that “there’s a number of common things cancer patients can experience, such as anxiety, depression, financial toxicity, social isolation and sometimes even PTSD.” So helping to ease those feelings is a great way to support your loved one.
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You can help complete household chores or running errands during the day, which your loved one may not have the time or energy to do. Or, you can simply lend an ear so patients can talk through their feelings, which can help them cope with what they are experiencing during this difficult time.
Overcoming Adversity
Overcoming adversity can seem daunting. Many people think reciting upbeat mottos or pretending to be cheerful will help, but these solutions can make someone feel even more dejected than before. Instead, pay attention to the following steps to make meaningful change.
- Set a goal. No matter what the situation, create a new goal for yourself. If you have just been diagnosed with cancer or a chronic illness, perhaps one goal would be to educate yourself about the disease and the possible treatments as much as possible.
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2. Make a plan. How will you achieve this goal? Your plan will help you focus on that goal. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems, such as lymphoma and other cancers. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet in an earlier interview.
3. Rely on others. Spend time with people who show you unconditional support and encouragement. They will alleviate your stress and help you remember that you’re not alone in this! Dr. Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist and author, previously told SurvivorNet that one “coping strategy that can be productive is reaching out and talking to others. Having support we know is really critical in the healing process.”
4. Use positive self-talk. Leave messages with affirmations in places you frequent. Put notes around your mirror or the computer screen that say “You got this! or “Keep going!” Cut out inspirational quotes from people you admire and surround yourself with their words. Dr. Boardman explained to SurvivorNet that “Positive emotions have unique benefits above and beyond managing negative emotions.”
Facing Cancer: How to Turn Stress into Strength
If you’ve been through a difficult health challenge or any type of adversity throughout your live, Dr. Boardman told SurvivorNet in an earlier interview that one way to get your mental health back in check after a diagnosis is to try to play up your strengths.
“I sometimes will ask patients, tell me about yourself when you were at your best,” she explained. “Using that story, trying to figure out what strengths come to mind. Is it patience? Is it appreciation of beauty? It is perseverance? [Then we can] use those strengths in constructive ways to navigate their cancer journey.”
Dr. Boardman says another way to approach harnessing the strength you already have is by tapping into your values. This could be family, close friendships, spirituality, or commitment to a healthy lifestyle.
Reminding yourself of what your values are and how you are living accordingly is another way to unleash that inner strength.
Lastly, patients shouldn’t underestimate the value of simply opening up, Dr. Boardman says. This could mean speaking to a close family member or friend, or it could mean seeking support in other ways by finding a therapist that meets your needs or looking into joining a support group.
Having negative feelings throughout your cancer journey is to be expected, however, doctors will tell you that people who find a way to work through the emotions and stay positive tend to have better outcomes.
“A positive attitude is really important,” says Dr. Zuri Murrell, a colorectal surgeon at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
“I’m pretty good at telling what kind of patients are going to still have this attitude and probably going to live the longest, even with bad, bad disease. And those are patients who, they have gratitude in life.”
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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