Coping With The Loss of a Loved One & Overcoming Cancer
- Actor John Lithgow, 79, who battled melanoma and previously underwent a prostatectomy, has opened up about the loss of his “dear friend” screenwriter and film director Doug McGrath, who passed away from a heart attack at age 64
- Dealing with the loss of a loved one is incredibly challenging, but moving forward with the lessons your loved one shared and remembering you don’t have to forget them can be a great place to start.
- Remember, grief is an unavoidable and important part of healing following the loss of a loved one, and talk therapy can be a useful tool for coping.
- A prostatectomy is a surgical procedure for prostate cancer. It’s an option for men with any risk group of prostate cancer that hasn’t spread outside of the prostate gland.
- Melanoma is the most dangerous form of skin cancer. It starts in the same cells that give your skin, hair, and eyes their color. In melanoma, the cells change in a way that allows them to spread to other organs.
- Changes to a mole you’ve had for a while or a new growth on your skin could be signs of melanoma, according to SurvivorNet’s experts. You’ll want to watch them and tell your doctor about any changes you notice.
Lithgow, a three-time cancer survivor who beat skin cancer and previously underwent a prostatectomy, spoke about how he’s coped with his friend’s November 2022 death in a recent interview on NPR journalist Rachel Martin’s podcast “Wild Card.”
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He explained further, “It was such a traumatic thing to experience. He died painlessly and almost courteously. He didn’t make anybody else suffer over his death, except over the fact that it had happened like that.”
As for how it affected him, he said he “was startled at how soon I was able to absorb it as just having happened and the new reality.”
“This lovely man, who was quite a dear friend, having worked together so closely, he was simply gone. And I knew that he was gone. And the brain simply adjusts,” he continued.
Admitting he knows he’s not living forever, Lithgow added, “It’s coming, and I think the best thing is to have a gracious ending. You know, I calculate my exit from any film or television or stage play, and I always want to have a good ending. Well, I want to have a good ending to my life, too, that no one grieves over and is appropriate.
“So I can’t believe I’m talking about these things. I’ve had three cancers in my life – the first in 1988, 2004 and then only a couple of years ago – in every case dealt with immediately and put an end to, you know.”
Lithgow said he had skin cancer called melanoma, more than one that were able to be “detected early and removed.”
He also noted that he underwent a prostatectomy, ” that eliminated prostate cancer from my life.”
“But I’m almost glad that I had the shocking experience of being told, you have a malignancy, to have realistically contemplated, oh, my God, this might really … I might die of this. I think it was a useful experience to have … In terms of just putting your whole life into perspective,” Lithgow continued.
How to Cope After Losing a Loved One to Cancer
Grief is defined as the devastation that occurs when we lose someone. Grieving comes in five stages, commonly referred to as the “five stages of grief.”
The stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These labels help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. These stages can occur in any order.
As you find yourself experiencing some of these stages, remember that the emotions you are feeling are meaningful but also temporary. If you approach them with compassion, kindness, and eventual acceptance, you will come away from this period with a renewed sense of resilience and purpose.
“Grief comes in waves,” says Dr. Scott Irwin, a psychiatrist and Director of Supportive Care Services at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis
“They’re grieving the change in their life; the future they had imagined is now different.”
Some days can be more challenging than others, but Dr. Irwin says talk therapy can be helpful. It’s important to reach out to your doctor, a therapist, or support groups in your community for the help you need.
Responding to Stress: How to Cope With Complex & Changing Emotions
When a stressful life event occurs, people may react with a range of different (and quickly changing) emotions. This is completely normal.
“The way people respond is very variable,” Psychiatrist Dr. Lori Plutchik tells SurvivorNet. “Very much consistent with how they respond to stresses and challenges in their life in general.”
In this video, Dr. Plutchik is speaking mostly about how people react after a cancer diagnosis which can be a huge range of emotions from fear to anger to determination.
However, the conclusion remains the same no matter what stressor someone may be dealing with: your emotions are valid and seeking mental health help may look different for every person.
“People have a range of emotions when they’re diagnosed with cancer,” Dr. Plutchik explains. “And they can include fear, anger … and these emotions tend to be fluid. They can recede and return based on where someone is in the process. Going through a cancer diagnosis is just the beginning of a complicated, complicated process.”
Dr. Plutchik explains that the patient, or person going through the stressful event, should accept that emotions will be fluid. You may feel fine one day and then feel a massive wave of stress the next. It’s also important for those you look to for support whether that’s a therapist, friends and family, or both to understand the fluidity of stress-related emotions.
If a stressful event is affecting how you think and feel, it may be time to seek some sort of mental health treatment. This could mean traditional talk therapy, medication, changing lifestyle habits (like exercise and diet), seeking out a support group, or many other approaches.
Surgery Options for Prostate Cancer
Prostate cancer treatment depends on the results of a prostate exam, your PSA numbers, and your Gleason Score, which helps determine how aggressive the cancer is.
Your doctor will determine your risk level, which ranges from low to intermediate to high. Men with low risk and very low risk may bypass surgery. Meanwhile, men at higher risk may receive more intense treatment.
WATCH: Dr. David Wise, NYU Langone medical oncologist, explains how Gleason’s score affects treatment and prognosis.
Surgery is an option for men with any risk group of prostate cancer that hasn’t spread outside of the prostate gland. The surgery procedure is called a radical prostatectomy. During this procedure, the surgeon removes the entire prostate, along with some tissue around it, including the seminal vesicles that release fluid into the semen. Your doctor can perform this through a traditional open procedure called laparoscopic surgery with one large or several small incisions.
“It’s typically done through a robotic technique today, at least in the United States, but a lot of patients are still getting open surgery,” Dr. Stephen Freedland, a urologist at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, told SurvivorNet in an earlier interview.
“Depending on the surgeon, it may be two, three, four, five hours — somewhere in that range, usually spend one night in the hospital. You wake up from the surgery with a catheter in your bladder. Once you’re home, it’s really just recovering, gaining your strength back,” Dr. Freedland continued.
WATCH: How do you choose the right surgeon, particularly for robotic surgery?
Other common treatment options for men with prostate cancer include:
Radiation therapy.
You’ll usually get this treatment five days a week for several weeks. Newer techniques include stereotactic body radiotherapy (SBRT), which aims for more focused radiation beams at the tumor to spare surrounding healthy tissues and may allow treatment in a shorter time.
Brachytherapy implants small seeds containing radiation directly into your prostate. This type of radiation works best in men with smaller prostates.
If your prostate is very large, your doctor might give you hormone therapy first to shrink it.
Combination radiation therapy with hormonal therapy.
Androgens are male hormones that fuel the growth of prostate cancer. Androgen deprivation therapy (ADT), also known as hormone therapy, reduces levels of these hormones your body makes to slow the cancer’s growth.
“Usually, for men with tumors that spread, hormonal therapy is usually the first line that we do, and more importantly, it’s the backbone upon which we build,” Dr. Freedland explained to SurvivorNet.
Surgery followed by radiation.
Radiation therapy can be used after surgery to get rid of any cancer cells that were left behind. Getting radiation along with surgery is called adjuvant therapy.
Sometimes, men who have surgery will need radiation therapy after surgery if the surgeon cannot remove all of the prostate, your PSA does not become undetectable, or you have a high-risk genetic profile if the tissue is sent for testing.
Men with high-risk and very high-risk prostate cancer are more likely to require radiation after surgery than men with lower-risk disease.
Learning More About Melanoma
Melanoma is the most dangerous form of skin cancer. It starts in the same cells that give your skin, hair, and eyes their color. In melanoma, the cells change in a way that allows them to spread to other organs.
Changes to a mole you’ve had for a while or a new growth on your skin could be signs of melanoma, according to SurvivorNet’s experts. You’ll want to watch them and tell your doctor about any changes you notice.
WATCH: How do you perform a skin check using the ABCDEs?
You’re most likely to find melanoma on sun-exposed skin areas like your face, neck, arms, and legs. Surprisingly, you might also find them in other places as well, like:
- The palms of your hands or soles of your feet
- On your eyes or mouth
- Under your nails
SurvivorNet experts recommend avoiding unprotected sun exposure because ultraviolet (UV) radiation can lead to melanoma. Tanning beds pose ultraviolet radiation risks for skin cancer and should be avoided. Many dermatologists recommend using spray tans to reduce the risk of melanoma skin cancer.
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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