Coping With Grief After Loss
- Actress Rashida Jones lost her mom Peggy Lipton to colon cancer at the age of 72, and now—her dad Quincy Jones “passed away peacefully” in his home on Sunday.
- Jones’s loss of her beloved parents reminds us that grief is a difficult, truly personal process. Some find solace in vulnerability and sharing how they feel with others.
- While working through grief and vulnerable tackling of the emotions that accompany it, some find tools like therapy to be helpful. Support groups can also be a benefit for those who are feeling isolated in their feelings of grief. Faith can also be a powerful coping mechanism for some.
- Whichever methods of support you look for after cancer loss, you should know that there is no correct way to grieve. There is no perfect timeline for grieving, either.
Quincy Jones, an American record producer who won 28 Grammy Awards, died on Sunday, Nov. 4, in the Bel Air area of Los Angeles, his publicist, Arnold Robinson, says he died Sunday night at his home, surrounded by family, in Los Angeles, the Associated Press reports.
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The statement continued, “He is truly one of a kind and we will miss him dearly; we take comfort and immense pride in knowing that the love and joy, that were the essence of his being, was shared with the world through all that he created. Through his music and his boundless love, Quincy Jones’ heart will beat for eternity.”
Rashida hasn’t yet spoken out about her father’s passing but her occasional social media posts, as well as her dad’s, show the tremendous love she had for her dad and he had for her, as well as his six others children.
Earlier this year her dad shared a photo for Rashida’s birthday, writing, “Nothing like spending time with my babies/ Happy Birthday to my sweet Doonkie @rashidajones!
“I don’t know how it’s possible, but I find more room in my heart to love U even more every day!…xxoo”
Rashida would often do the same for her father, and back on March 15, 2023, when she celebrated her dad’s 90th birthday, she wrote alongside a video collage shared on Instagram, “This man is 90 today!!!
“90 pics on his 90th birthday! No one has lived more life, survived more challenges, contributed more culturally, loved with every piece of his heart than ‘le Q.’ I feel so blessed to have you as my father, my friend and my mentor. How did I get so lucky??”
She continued, “You taught me how to make decisions out of love and not fear, to stay curious, to value humility, to travel, to work hard, to laugh through pain, to see humanity in everyone.
“Happy 90th to my dear papa. I love you ad infinitum!!!!!”
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Quincy Jones’ passing comes nearly six years after Rashida mom Peggy Lipton, a Golden Globe-winning who starred on the television series “Mod Squad” and “Twin Peaks,” passed away at age 72.
Lipton died 15 years after being diagnosed with stage three colon cancer, which she learned of during a routine colonoscopy. Generally, for those battling stage three colon cancer, the disease has spread to the nearby lymph nodes. She underwent treatment for many years.
“She made her journey peacefully with her daughters and nieces by her side,” read a statement that her daughters, Rashida Jones and her sister Kidada released in the wake of her passing.
“Peggy was, and will always be our beacon of light, both in this world and beyond. She will always be a part of us.”
Rashida later wrote in a heartfelt tribute post to her mom on Feb. 25, 2020, “My mom gave birth to me 44 years ago today. This is the first birthday that she won’t be with me in physical form.
“The pain and grief is unmatched, anyone who has lost a parent knows.”
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She continued, “But she loved me so unconditionally, in a way no one else ever will and that is forever. This day belongs to Peggy. I miss you so much, mama. I hope you’re soaring.”
In another Instagram post, Rashida shared a photo of her mom hugging her after she graduated from Harvard University.
She wrote alongside the sweet throwback, “Happy Mother’s day to all the wonderful ones who hold it down with their unconditional love and fortitude and wisdom and protection and support, on this earth and beyond.
“I miss mine everyday.”
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Speaking to Oprah.com in an earlier interview, Jones wrote, “The minute the word cancer enters your house, everything changes. I felt like a huge anvil had fallen on me. But I knew that action needed to be taken there were logistics to handle, and my mother needed support. Luckily, both of us now lived in New York, which was a huge blessing.”
She explained further, “Just because a situation is grim doesn’t mean you don’t have every right to smile. It isn’t about ‘being strong’ and pretending everything’s okay; it’s about finding joy where you can. My dad has always said, ‘Approach life with love and not fear.’ It’s such a dynamic way to live.”
There will always be pain, and the part you get to chose is how you handle it, says Rashida. “I know that in life there will be sickness, devastation, disappointments, heartache it’s a given. What’s not a given is the way you choose to get through it all,” she wrote.
“If you look hard enough, you can always find the bright side.”
The mom of one also told NPR in 2021, “This has been a very emotionally intense couple of years. It was sort of like back-to-back-to-back-to-back, just wrenching, pulling my heart in all different directions.
“I was in grief-shock. I don’t even know if that’s a word, but I was just not in my body at all and just had a baby. I was doubly not in my body.”
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She added, “The thing that’s the craziest about birth and death is just the utter rawness of feeling. I still feel this way, I think. It’s like something cracks in you. It’s very binary, both things, becoming a mother and losing my mother. like, there’s my life before and there’s my life after.
“And strangely, there’s something that’s not recognizable before those two things happened. And it’s just this utter rawness of emotion where it doesn’t matter where I am, what I’m doing. If I’m overwhelmed by that grief or that joy, that’s it. I have to feel that thing. I can’t suppress it. I can’t run away from it. It’s just there.”
Moving Through Grief
Grief is a difficult, truly personal process, something Rashida Jones has shown. Some find solace in vulnerability and sharing how they feel with others.
While working through grief and vulnerable tackling of the emotions that accompany it, some find tools like therapy to be helpful. Support groups can also be a benefit for those who are feeling isolated in their feelings of grief, as can turning to faith.
Whichever methods of support you look for after cancer loss, you should know that there is no correct way to grieve. There is no perfect timeline for grieving, either.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis
It’s important to remember that anxiety and fear are also totally normal reactions to the news of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, and acknowledging these emotions can be therapeutic and important to the healing process.
“I think the most important advice I would give to someone who has just received a cancer diagnosis is to find people whom they find as a source of support. To allow themselves to go through all of the different emotional reactions to that news,” said Dr. Susan Parsons, Director of the Center for Health Solutions/Center on Child and Family Outcomes at Tufts Medical Center, in a prior interview with SurvivorNet.
Fear, Anger, Anxiety You’re Entitled To Your Emotions
“The anger, the frustration, the fear. The disappointment. Whatever those emotions are, figure out what’s important to you and find those people that can help you realize that,” Dr. Parsons explained.
In times of frustration, it can be useful to a little bit of direction on specific ways to deal with it. A few of the most common ways to deal with fear and anxiety after a cancer diagnosis, that have helped people in the SurvivorNet community in the past, include:
1. Let your family and close friends know and let them help. So many cancer survivors tell us they want and need support but are often too preoccupied to make specific requests. Urge those close to you to jump in with whatever practical help they can offer.
2. Keep a journal. It can be extremely cathartic to let those feelings loose on paper. Grab a pen and a nice journal and chronicle your different thoughts throughout the day.
3. Join a cancer support group. There are groups in nearly every community offering opportunities to connect with others going through a similar journey. You’ll learn incredibly helpful insight from others who can tell you about what to expect and how to stay strong on tough days.
4. Consider seeing a therapist. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist so you can discuss your fears and concerns in a safe space. Often, vocalizing your thoughts and feelings rather than internalizing them can provide relief.
Finding Support Through Cancer
Feeling support from a friends, loved ones, or coworkers can help you express your feelings and maintain a positive attitude during a your own, or a loved one’s cancer battle.
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin previously wrote for SurvivorNet, that it’s “important that you surround yourself with individuals who care and support you throughout your treatment,” which she said can be an “arduous chapter.”
That being said, it’s very important to know your limits on what you can handle during treatment.
“Going through treatment is a very vulnerable and emotionally exhausting experience,” she wrote. “Noticing what you have strength for and what is feeling like too much extremely important to pay attention to as you navigate treatment.”
It is important cancer warriors in the midst of their fight to have a strong support system. So how can you support a loved on in your life who is fighting cancer? SurvivorNet suggests multiple ways you can do so.
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Dr. Shelly Tworoger, a researcher at Moffitt Cancer Center told SurvivorNet that “there’s a number of common things cancer patients can experience, such as anxiety, depression, financial toxicity, social isolation and sometimes even PTSD.” So helping to ease those feelings is a great way to support your loved one.
You can help complete household chores or running errands during the day, which your loved one may not have the time or energy to do. Or, you can simply lend an ear so patients can talk through their feelings, which can help them cope with what they are experiencing during this difficult time.
Meanwhile, there are some practical tips to help you interact with your loved one in a meaningful way. Our experts suggest to avoid asking how you can help. Instead, be proactive and offer tangible things you can do for them to make their lives easier. That could include bringing them food, cooking them dinner or playing a board game with them, anything that will bring them joy.
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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