The holidays can be a mixed bag for cancer survivors because while they are likely happy to see their loved ones, the reunion may also spawn uncomfortable conversations about their diagnosis. If you are on your journey and worry about the dreaded cancer conversation over holiday dinner, SurvivorNet has some guidance to help you through it.
“People are uncomfortable around cancer, and there a lot of fear, ignorance, misunderstandings and myths around it,” says breast cancer survivor Diane Mapes, who works at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, Wash. A little understanding, she says, can go a long way.
Read More1. DO Acknowledge the Cancer
You may not know what to say, but the worst thing you can say is…nothing. To start, put the choice of discussing their cancer in their own hands.The best route is honesty, says Jennifer Hughes, Ph.D., a psychologist with McGovern Medical School at UTHealth and UT Physicians in Houston. Say, I don’t know what to say, but do you want to talk about it? It gives them the lead.
2. DON’T Assume They Need Help
“Don’t assume that someone is going to be weak or sickly if they have cancer because everyone responds differently,” says Mapes. One of the things that surprised me about going through cancer treatment, for example, is how I was able to exercise throughout my treatment, and people would often remark that I looked so healthy and strong. Don’t just take over and assume they need things because that is not fun, either. They mean well, but I used to fight people to do my own laundry!
3. DO Be Specific When Offering Help
Instead of saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” think of specific ways you can help and then offer to do them.
“The former can feel like an empty promise, and it puts the burden on that individual to tell you what they need,” says Hughes. Instead, try and think of something concrete,” driving to an appointment, bringing casserole over, walking their dog.
4. DO Your Research
Educating yourself on the stage and type of your loved one’s cancer can help you avoid potentially awkward moments.
It’s important to know the difference between early and late-stage cancer, says Mapes. It’s not a good thing to say, “When are you going to be done with treatment?” to someone with stage four cancer, for example, because the answer to that is – Never. Educate yourself on the basics first.
5. DO Keep Platitudes to Yourself
You may believe that everything happens for a reason, but that can be grating for someone who has been diagnosed with cancer.
“I think people are trying to be comforting, and that is what that phrase is meant to do. But just remember that what is comforting to you might not be comforting to others,” says Mapes. “And while we’re on the subject, let me share my personal pet peeve: When I was going through treatment, I got so sick of people saying, ‘Good luck on your journey, have a good journey.’ That was the lead metaphor at the time, and I can’t tell you how annoying it can be.”
6. DON’T Suggest the Latest Cure
“Unless you’re an oncologist, and you’re a better oncologist than the one they already have, don’t preach to them about the latest treatment you’ve read about,” advises Mapes. “Comments like, I knew someone who took shark cartilage or coffee enemas,’ or [sharing] conspiracy theories are not helpful. Cancer is very complicated.”
7. DO Remember that We’re All the Same
The best piece of advice in order to help a loved one with cancer: Remember that your friend or family member is the same person he or she always has been. “I haven’t acquired any superpowers since my diagnosis,” says Mapes. People who have cancer aren’t braver or more noble than they were before. I’m just the same person I always was, so treat me that way.”
An Extra Side of Advice for Survivors: 10 Things to Always Keep in Mind
SurvivorNet Community member Catherine Gigante-Brown, whose advice to loved ones and caregivers is, “Don’t say stupid things,” shared with us her ten simple rules for survivors:
- Breathe: “They say the exhale is more important than the inhale,” she said. “So breathe.”
- Why Worry?: “Is it going to make anything better? The answer is ‘No.'”
- Take it one day, one hour, one moment at a time.
- Don’t give TMI: “My son was only 13 when I was diagnosed [with breast cancer]. I didn’t want to give him too much information,” Gigante-Brown said. “I just said, ‘Mom has cancer, and it’s going to be alright.’ And it was.”
- Stay positive.
- Stay strong: “There is a strength inside of you that you have never thought possible. You can do this — and you have to.”
- Build your army: “I surrounded myself with really positive people. [Find] somebody who will take a walk around the park with you to somebody who will hold your hair back — even if you don’t have hair — when you’re throwing up.”
- Educate, don’t fixate.
- Hug, love, and laugh as much as possible.
- Take time for yourself: “Say ‘no’ when something is too much for you,” she advised. “And remember — you can, and you will get through this.”
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