Coping With The Loss Of a Parent
- Pro-golfer and PGA Champion Jason Day, 36, lost his mom to IV non-small-cell lung cancer last year and his dad to stomach cancer when he was just 12 years old. Now he strives to be the best version of himself in memory of his parents and has become an advocate for lung cancer research and treatment.
- Dealing with the loss of a loved one to cancer is incredibly challenging, but moving forward with the lessons your loved one shared and remembering you don’t have to forget them can be a great place to start.
- If you’re working to overcome adversity, try making a plan. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,””Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
- Grief is an unavoidable and important part of healing following the loss of a loved one to cancer, and talk therapy can be a useful tool to cope.
Despite the hardship he’s been through, Day strives to be the best version of himself in memory of his parents and became an advocate for lung cancer research and treatment.
Read MoreThe day after his mom’s passing, which took place on March 2, 2022, Day shared a few sweet photos in an Instagram post with an emotional caption, reading, “Last night, my mom peacefully left us after battling cancer for five years. We are heart broken but incredibly grateful for the gift we had in her living with us for the last almost two years full time.View this post on Instagram
“She fought so hard until the very last breath. I am forever indebted to her for the sacrifices she made for me to be successful, and for the person she helped me to become. We will miss her so much.”
In the first photo, Day is seen with his family huddled around his smiling mom, sitting in a wheelchair. The two other memories Day shared featured him and his mom painting, as well as the pair looking happy an at event.”
About one month after his mom’s passing at age 65, Day joined AstraZeneca to launch the Getting Out of the Rough video series to raise lung cancer awareness.
According to an AstraZeneca news release, the campaign “aimed to educate lung cancer patients and their caregivers about biomarker testing and the importance of completing a lung cancer diagnosis through this approach.”
It explains, “The Getting Out of the Rough campaign features a six-episode video series, where Jason is joined by friends from the worlds of medicine and entertainment to discuss and learn about adapting after you or someone you love has been diagnosed with lung cancer.
“Among the group is Modern Family star Julie Bowen, whose series episode premiered today, as well as actors Anthony Anderson and Bellamy Young, happiness expert Shawn Achor, oncologist Dr. Mark Socinski and Jason’s wife, Ellie Day.”
View this post on Instagram
“Jason’s mother, Dening, was diagnosed with Stage IV non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC), in 2017. Jason immediately stepped into the roles of caregiver and advocate to ensure that she received the best care possible—which for Dening included access to comprehensive biomarker testing. Biomarker testing can help reveal information about your specific type of lung cancer,” the announcement continued. “This will help you and your healthcare team determine your treatment plan.”
His mom passed in March of last year, but she had “extended time with her family” due to care she received, something Day’s wife described as “a silver lining.”
Day said in a statement at the time, “I’m honored to be launching the Getting Out of the Rough campaign. The issue of lung cancer and biomarker testing is deeply personal to me. When my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer, we felt hopeless and did not know what kinds of treatment options existed at the time, nor what would work best for her.
“It wasn’t until her healthcare team suggested comprehensive biomarker testing that suddenly new treatment options quickly became possible. Before my mom’s diagnosis, I had never heard of biomarker testing or targeted therapy.”
Mental Health & Coping With Cancer
The 6-foot-tall Australian professional golfer, who shared five children with his loving wife Ellie Harvey previously lost his dad Alvyn Day to stomach cancer when he was just 12. Following his dad’s passing Day was sent to golf boarding school, a life path which led him to meet his father-figure golf coach and mentor later on at Kooralbyn International School.
Speaking to the PGA Tour’s website about when he split from his golf coach Colin Swatton in 2020, after 20 years, he said, “It’s been a long and successful road working with Col. I have just decided I want to make a change and work on my own as it pertains to my golf swing.
“Col has been way more than just a caddie and coach to me. I am forever grateful for all he has done for my golf and his continued friendship,” he added, The Guardian reports.
View this post on Instagram
Following Day’s journey with loss, his outlook on life and what he does to cope is certainly admirable.
About two weeks after his mom’s passing, Day opened up to PGA Tour’s website about how he’s rebuilding a golf-life balance amid adversity.
After his mom’s five-year battle with disease and her devastating passing, Day, who returned to work weeks after, said “I’m OK. I’m doing all right.
“I’ll tell you what, if I was at home, I’d probably struggle even more. It’s nice to be out here with everyone, and I’ve had a lot of love from the guys.”
‘Adversity And The Art of Happiness:’ How Hardship Makes You Even Stronger
Coping After Losing A Parent To Cancer
Going through stages of grief is something everyone deals with after a friend or loved one passes away from cancer. When you lose a parent to cancer, especially if it happens at a younger age, that feeling of loss and sadness can really linger.
But that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.
‘Therapy Saved My Life’: After Losing A Loved One, Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help
In the case of Camila Legaspi, who lost her mom to breast cancer when she was in high school, she previously told SurvivorNet that the tragedy of losing a parent as a teenager kind of defined her high school experience.
After going off to college, she was able to turn that huge sense of loss that she felt into inspiration for creating.
“I actually took this sadness and let it motivate me,” Legaspi told SurvivorNet.
“I learned that it’s OK to be sad sometimes. It’s OK to carry sadness with you. It’s not always a bad thing. It makes you who you are and it gives you a story to tell and it helps you teach other people to cope with their sadness.”
Legaspi, who is one of four siblings, described her mom as a very creative person. She said she turned to writing as an outlet and used her mother’s creativity as a motivator.
Legaspi went to Princeton University and got involved with the school’s magazine. She explained that instead of thinking of the loss of her mother as something terrible that happened to her family, she has let it serve as inspiration for poetry, fiction, or whatever else she may be inspired to write.
“I’ve learned to have it impact me in a positive way, and have it not just be a sad story, instead, I’m using it for a better purpose,” Legaspi said.
In an earlier interview with SurvivorNet, Caleb Farley opened up to us about his mother’s battle with breast cancer.
His mother fought two battles with cancer and he watched as she went through multiple rounds of chemotherapy while still working and taking care of their family.
Having lost his mom to breast cancer in 2018, he knew he wanted to be extra careful during the pandemic. When he had the chance to play as a cornerback for the Virginia Tech Hokies football team, he backed out due to COVID-19 concerns.
Farley announced the news of his decision not to play with Virginia Tech in an Instagram video saying, in part, “I cannot afford to lose another parent or loved one. Though the competitor in me badly wants to play this season, I cannot ignore what’s going on in my heart, and I must make the decision that brings me the most peace.”
(Farley trained for the NFL Draft instead of playing for Virginia Tech, and his efforts paid off. In the first round of the 2021 NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans selected Farley as the number 22 overall pick.)
Today, Farley is taking the many life lessons he learned from her and applying them to whatever challenges he faces in life.
Coping With Grief
Grief is known to “come in waves” and never fully leave you after a loved one has died. To grieve is to have fully loved someone, and that’s a beautiful thing, but the process of grief, can be fulling of missing, longing, and sadness.
Coping with grief after the loss of a loved one, or after a diagnosis of a disease like cancer, can be helped by seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, or oncological social worker.
Dealing With Grief After a Cancer Diagnosis
You don’t have to suffer through your grief alone. Seek outside support when you’ve lost someone close to you.
Dealing With Fear Amid Loss or a Diagnosis
It’s important to remember that anxiety and fear are totally normal reactions to the news of cancer, or the loss of a loved one, and acknowledging these emotions can be therapeutic and important to the healing process.
“I think the most important advice I would give to someone who has just received a cancer diagnosis is to find people whom they find as a source of support. To allow themselves to go through all of the different emotional reactions to that news,” said Dr. Susan Parsons, Director of the Center for Health Solutions/Center on Child and Family Outcomes at Tufts Medical Center, in a prior interview with SurvivorNet.
Fear, Anger, Anxiety You’re Entitled To Your Emotions
“The anger, the frustration, the fear. The disappointment. Whatever those emotions are, figure out what’s important to you and find those people that can help you realize that,” Dr. Parsons explained.
In times of frustration, it can be useful to a little bit of direction on specific ways to deal with it. A few of the most common ways to deal with fear and anxiety after a cancer diagnosis, that have helped people in the SurvivorNet community in the past, include:
1. Let your family and close friends know and let them help. So many cancer survivors tell us they want and need support but are often too preoccupied to make specific requests. Urge those close to you to jump in with whatever practical help they can offer.
2. Keep a journal. It can be extremely cathartic to let those feelings loose on paper. Grab a pen and a nice journal and chronicle your different thoughts throughout the day.
3. Join a cancer support group. There are groups in nearly every community offering opportunities to connect with others going through a similar journey. You’ll learn incredibly helpful insight from others who can tell you about what to expect and how to stay strong on tough days.
4. Consider seeing a therapist. Ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist so you can discuss your fears and concerns in a safe space. Often, vocalizing your thoughts and feelings rather than internalizing them can provide relief.
Overcoming Adversity
Overcoming adversity can seem daunting. Many people think reciting upbeat mottos or pretending to be cheerful will help, but these solutions can make someone feel even more dejected than before. Instead, focus on the following steps to make meaningful change.
1. Set a goal. No matter what the situation, create a new goal for yourself. If you have just been diagnosed with cancer or a chronic illness, perhaps one goal would be to educate yourself about the disease and the possible treatments as much as possible.
2. Make a plan. How will you achieve this goal? Your plan will help you focus on that goal. Dr. Siddhartha Ganguly refers to this determined, focused mindset as “the eye of the tiger,” which can help people dealing with health problems, such as lymphoma and other cancers. “You have to have the eye of the tiger to go through this grueling process that is necessary these days to get rid of these virulent and aggressive cancers,” Dr. Ganguly, a cancer specialist at Houston Methodist, told SurvivorNet.
3. Rely on others. Spend time with people who show you unconditional support and encouragement. They will ease your stress and help you remember that you’re not alone in this! Dr. Samantha Boardman, a psychiatrist and author, tells SurvivorNet that one “coping strategy that can be productive is reaching out, talking to others. Having support we know is really critical in the healing process.”
4. Use positive self-talk. Leave messages with affirmations in places you frequent. Put notes around your mirror or your computer screen that say “You got this!” or “Keep going!” Cut out inspirational quotes from people you admire and surround yourself with their words. Dr. Boardman explains to SurvivorNet that “Positive emotions have unique benefits above and beyond managing negative emotions.”
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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