Coping With the Challenges of Being a Caregiver
- Veteran comedian and TV host Jay Leno, 74, is enjoying life as his wife Mavis’ conservator as she’s coping with “advanced dementia.” He admitted in a recent interview that he feels so grateful to have chosen such an incredible “life partner” and he enjoys his caregiving duties.
- Leno was ultimately granted conservatorship of his wife on April 9, 2024. Since, and before then, he’s been a dedicated husband and spending as much time with Mavis as possible.
- Being a caregiver is a complex and rewarding job. And taking a step back from the role from time to time might just help you give the best care possible.
- To avoid caregiver burnout — the stress, anger, fatigue and illness that can result from putting another person’s needs above your own — our experts recommend taking time for yourself. Research suggests caregivers who take good care of themselves as well can provide the best quality of care.
- For more resources on support for caregivers, sign up for SurvivorNet’s caregivers guide.
During a recent interview on “In Depth with Graham Bensinger,” Leno offered insight into what his wife’s dementia battle has taught him.
Read More“I think somewhere in my life … she’s a very independent woman, so I like that I’m needed and I need to be there. And it’s good.”
As for how he’s coping with her memory troubles, he explained further, “I know I’m told people with dementia forget the people they are with, but I do like … pictures of the flash cards … it’s kind of fun,” referring to how she may forget things she had done and he will remind her of all the exciting events she’s been to.
As for the most challenging part of his caregiver journey, “Well, that’s the challenge, isn’t it? When you have to feed someone and change them and carry them to the bathroom and do all that kind of stuff every day.
“It’s a challenge. And it’s not that I enjoy doing it, but I guess I enjoy doing it.”
Expert Resources On Caregiving
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- Here Are Top Tips For Cancer Caregivers To Help Them Through The Process
- The First Steps to Take as a Caregiver When a Loved One is Diagnosed With Cancer
- Caregiving: An Opportunity for Healing
- Caregiving Isn’t Easy; Recognize That You May Need Help
Leno that admitted he is so grateful for having stayed by his wife’s side through their 45-year-marriage, adding, “I feel like, I’m not just, ‘This person is attractive and sexy,’ and having sex with them and everything. At some point in my life, I’m gonna be called upon to defend myself … I think that’s really what defines a marriage. I mean, that’s really what love is. That’s what you do.
“I mean, I’m glad I didn’t cut and run. I’m glad I didn’t run off with some woman half my age or any of that silly nonsense. I would rather be with her than doing something else.”
As for coping his hectic schedule, Leno recounted always taking his wife with him when he was on the road for work, further praising her as an ideal “life partner” for him.
For now, if he’s busy, he said, “Luckily, when I’m not at home I have someone who takes care of her, like when I go on the road now, I do a show Friday night, I do a show Saturday night and I’m back Saturday night. … I don’t stay places when I’m not working and I go home to be with her.”
He continued, “We’ve been married 45 years. The 40 … unbelievable. The last five have been challenged. Put it that way. I think there’s more love no because, why am I doing this? ‘Well this is why, obviously.'”
Leno’s heartfelt words come more than a year after the legendary comedian filed to be his wife Mavis’ conservator in order to make decisions as her dementia deepens.
According to a filing from Mavis’ court-appointed counsel, which was obtained by People, a lawyer had recommended Leno’s conservatorship petition be approved due to his wife’s advanced dementia case.
The lawyer, who spoke with both Mavis and her doctor, stated that his wife, “sometimes does not know her husband, Jay, nor her date of birth … has a lot of disorientation and will ruminate about her parents who have both passed.”
Mavis’ court-appointed counsel, Ronald Ostrin, filed the report offering the update on the famed TV host’s wife. Despite Mavis struggle with dementia, Ostrin called her a “delightful person” with a “charming personality,” noting it’s “clear she had cognitive impairment.”
Ostrin also pointed out how Leno continues to be “loving and supportive” throughout their decades-long relationship, and Mavis sees Leno as “her protector and she trusts him.”
Mavis also offered “consent” to the conservatorship filing, as per Ostrin.
Leno was ultimately granted conservatorship on April 9, 2024.
As per court documents obtained by USA TODAY,” the order read, “The court finds from clear and convincing evidence that a conservatorship of the estate is necessary and appropriate in that [Mavis Leno] is unable to care for her financial affairs and is subject to undue influence. The conservatorship is the least restrictive alternative needed for the protection of [Mavis].”
Decades of Love — Jay and Mavis Leno
Jay and Mavis Leno first met in the 1970s after one of his performances at The Comedy Store, which is a world famous comedy club located on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood. Still featuring top talent today, the venue has welcomed Dave Chappelle, Chelsea Handler, Bill Burr, Theo Von and Chris Rock, along with late legends like Robin Williams and Bob Saget.
Leno and many of his colleagues wound up boycotting the club in 1979, going on strike to demand wages for comics. The following year, he and Mavis married. The couple never had children.
“I always had this idea that I would never get married,” Mavis told People back in 1987. “But with Jay, I began to realize that this was the first time I was ever with someone where I had a perfect, calm sense of having arrived at my destination.”
And Leno has a proven longevity both in his marriage and career.
Perhaps most know as the long-running host of the “The Tonight Show” on NBC, Leno’s first episode aired on May 25, 1992 and his last, 22 years later on Feb. 6, 2014.
Leno has always been a protector, sharing with the L.A. Times in 2014 that marrying Mavis was important to him because he wanted the San Francisco-born philanthropist to be covered by his insurance in the case of emergency.
“I had this insurance policy, and I thought if something happened to me, my girlfriend wouldn’t be covered, but if we’re married, we’re covered, so … we might as well get married.”
“Not the most romantic,” the star, who continues to put his wife’s needs first, joked.
Understanding Dementia
According to the National Institute on Aging, “Dementia is the loss of cognitive functioning — thinking, remembering, and reasoning — to such an extent that it interferes with a person’s daily life and activities.
“Some people with dementia cannot control their emotions, and their personalities may change. Dementia ranges in severity from the mildest stage, when it is just beginning to affect a person’s functioning, to the most severe stage, when the person must depend completely on others for basic activities of daily living, such as feeding oneself.”
It’s unknown what type of dementia Leno’s wife is living with, however, Alzheimer’s is the most common one.
“Various neurodegenerative disorders and factors contribute to the development of dementia through a progressive and irreversible loss of neurons and brain functioning. Currently, there is no cure for any type of dementia,” the institute explains.
The different types of dementia include:
- Alzheimer’s disease
- Frontotemporal dementia
- Lewy body dementia
- Vascular dementia
- Mixed dementia (a combination of two or more types of dementia)
Caregiving Isn’t Easy — Recognize That You May Need Help
When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or a condition like dementia, it can turn your world upside down. Your attention will suddenly turn from your job and family to caregiving. And no matter how much you plan for your new role, the enormity of it can take you by surprise.
“Caregiving is a huge job. It’s going to impact your health and your physical well-being. It will impact your finances, your social life, your emotions, and your mental energy,” Amy Brown, nurse manager of Gynecologic/Oncology at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland, previously shared with SurvivorNet.
With caregiving taking up a lot of your personal time away from work, school or other life duties, it’s important to realize that you may need help.
“I learned this the hard way myself,” Brown said. “I have been the caregiver to my dad for 12 years. And I’m a nurse and I’m designed and equipped to handle that, and I tried to do it myself and failed miserably.”
Brown stresses the importance of caring for yourself while you care for your loved one. In order to fully take care of someone, you need to feel your best.
Feeling fatigued or stressed at times can lead to bigger issues that could impact you, and that’s why it’s so important to not only prioritize your mental health, but also your physical health as well.
A Guided Meditation for the SurvivorNet Community
That’s why, if you start to feel the physical toll of being a caregiver, it’s so important to take some time to relax or even visit the doctor if things progress.
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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