Finding Love & Getting Intimate After Adversity
- Celebrity chef and best-selling author Sandra Lee, 58, is enjoying life and intimacy with her now-fiancé Ben Youcef after battling breast cancer, something she recently revealed didn’t come easy after she and former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo parted ways.
- Lee was diagnosed with breast cancer in early 2015 and a successful double mastectomy ultimately led her to remission. She also underwent a preventative hysterectomy [surgical procedure to remove the uterus].
- Dr. Jeanne Carter, a sexual psychologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering, suggests women practice mindfulness to help get their minds and body in sync regarding their sexuality.
- Mindfulness intervention helps women feel more comfortable with themselves, ultimately allowing them to feel mentally turned on.
In a new cover interview with US Weekly, published Tuesday, the breast cancer survivor and ex-girlfriend of former governor, recounted how long it took to first kiss her new romance with Algerian actor Youcef, who was born Abdulwahab Benyoucef.
Read MoreLee, who beat breast cancer after being diagnosed in early 2015 and undergoing a successful double mastectomy [surgical removal of both breasts], noted she was “terrified” to dive into a new relationship after her breakup and cancer battle.View this post on Instagram
She told US Weekly, “Meeting Ben was incredible. It was the perfect intersection of timing and chemistry.
“I hadn’t been intimate in years and years. I literally felt like a virgin at 55 … and I just didn’t want to get involved again.”
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- Sex & Intimacy: Getting Into the Overlooked Side Effects of Cancer Treatment
- Brave, Bold, and Beautiful in the Face of Cancer — Reclaiming Confidence Through Makeup And Skincare
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Lee described Youcef as incredibly understanding because he didn’t try to kiss her until two months into dating.
She explained, “He finally kissed me and I stood there stone-still.He kept his lips on mine, and my mind just went blank. I still didn’t kiss him back.”
After the incident, Lee said she reached out to offer an apology for how she acted, adding, “He waited and persisted, and here we are.”
Lee continued, “My chemistry with Ben is something that I’ve never had before. It’s mental, it’s emotional, and it’s a connection that I can’t even describe.”
Although the couple have not yet married, they do wear rings to show they are committed to each other.
The former Food Network host, who was also previously married to former CEO of KB Home Bruce Karatz, described Youcef as “very patient” and “very transparent.”
“He checks in all the time, and shares everything with me. He loves helping people without agenda or motive,” she explained. “He truly tries to be a better human every day.”
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Lee and Youcef’s relationship makes our hearts feel full and it’s something she hasn’t been shy to share. Back in February 2022, Lee posted some sweet photos of the two of them, writing, “So this happened! Ben happened! Love happened! Happiness happened!
“I was certain it never would again. I was shocked when it did. I swore I would never fall again, trust again, love again or open myself up again. On our one year anniversary I shall share the story of how we met but until then, my wish for you is that no matter where you are, how old you are or what has happened, you can welcome hope back into your life again.
She continued, “This Valentines I wish you all an abundance of love, laughter, butterflies, long walks, intimate talks, chills, tender kisses, sweet moments and pure joy in the world. Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you,
“And to My Sweet Ben, thank you for making my heart feel whole again, alive again, and in love again. Xo Sandy.”
We’re delighted to see Lee happy as ever, especially after she recalled growing distant with her ex Cuomo, telling US Weekly how she once spent her birthday alone while in cancer treatment [something Cuomo has reportedly denied].
A spokesperson for Cuomo told US Weekly, “Governor Cuomo has always been totally supportive of Sandra through good times and bad. She partnered with him, spent time with [his] girls, and handled functions as first lady very well. Sandra and the Governor had separate and busy lives and grew apart over time.
“Breakups are always difficult and there are always two sides of the story, but the Governor chooses to focus on the positive and he wishes her nothing but success and happiness in the years ahead.”
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Sex After Cancer
“A lot of women have a fear of pain, a fear of performance,” Dr. Jeanne Carter, a sexual psychologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering, previously told SurvivorNet.
“Their partners can have a fear of hurting their partner, or everybody may feel frustrated if sexuality is not experienced in the same way as it was before, so it feels like another loss with cancer,” Dr. Carter continued.
Just because you are faced with cancer does not mean your sex life must end. Everyone copes with this differently; giving yourself grace with this sensitive subject is important.
WATCH: Deciding when to be intimate again.
“In the setting of treatment, when a woman decides to be sexual again, it is really her decision,” Dr. Carter says.
“It’s not uncommon for me to meet with someone in the post-treatment setting, and they’ll describe to me that when they didn’t have hair, they didn’t feel sexy, and that it just wasn’t the right timing for them — which is completely appropriate and okay.
Dr. Carter continued, “I think people don’t need pressure as they’re going through treatment about those issues and need to be able to talk to their partners about that.”
While some women can make their sex lives a priority, many find they lack the energy while their body is going through so many changes. Dr. Carter also pointed out that many women, when they’re dealing with these sexual issues, feel a sense of guilt — but she considers guilt a wasted emotion. Dr. Carter suggests practicing mindfulness to help women align their emotions.
The ultimate goal of the mindfulness intervention was to make women feel more comfortable with themselves, which ultimately allowed them to feel mentally turned on.
Sandra’s Breast Cancer Journey
Lee was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer in 2015. Thankfully, she was diagnosed with early stage DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ), which is noninvasive, meaning it hadn’t yet spread outside the milk duct of the breast.
Still, the TV personality chose to have a bilateral mastectomy to remove the breast tissue in both breasts. Lee’s grandmother had had stomach cancer, and having witnessed her recurrence, she didn’t want to face the same fate or be plagued with worry.
Plus, with the mastectomy she didn’t have to do radiation or chemotherapy. (It is important to note that the Lee also tested negative for BRCA1 and BRCA2 genetic mutations that increase your risk of breast cancer.)
When Should You Consider a Mastectomy?
“The doctor who did the biopsy said I had medium-aggressive DCIS. ‘The concern with yours is that it’s in 3 different places. It’s at 10 o’clock, it’s at noon, and it’s at 2, and none of them are connected, so we’re going to keep an eye on you, but you’re going to have to make a decision as to what we should do,’” Lee explained, also sharing the feeling of “betrayal” by her own body.
“It takes away a form of innocence that you didn’t even know you had,” she said in 2018 on Good Morning America. “That innocence, when it’s gone, is really startling, and that is what still brings the tears after the fact. For the most part I’m really resilient, but there are times even now that I get really overwhelmed with what happened.”
Lee previously shared in an Instagram post that she meant to have her hysterectomy after her mastectomy years ago, but she “had repeatedly put it off and then Covid hit.” It was probably for the best, since she was already going through enough when she had her breasts removed. She ended up having complications with her surgery and unfortunately had an infection.
However, she finally finished her breast reconstruction in 2020 and set an intention to get as healthy as possible and take control of her physical and emotional well-being, which she undoubtedly has.
In the spring of 2022, Lee ultimately underwent a hysterectomy, because, during a routine appointment with her gynecologist, the doctor noticed “a change in some of my cells.” Lee said she went for a second and third opinion; those doctors all confirmed the same.
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It isn’t exactly clear what Lee meant by “a change in some cells”; it could be that she had precancerous cells (also known as dysplasia) in her reproductive system, such as the cervix. Pre-cancer is when cells in the transformation zone don’t suddenly change into cancer, according to the American Cancer Society. Instead, the normal cells of the cervix first gradually develop abnormal changes that are called pre-cancerous.
Coping With Body Image
Understandably, many people going through cancer inspire friends and family members who witness their challenges as it may help put life into perspective. It’s also common for survivors to struggle with the physical part of their own health journey, clinical psychologist Dr. Marianna Strongin previously told SurvivorNet.
“Your body has changed and represents this difficult chapter in your life and simply accepting all of that is far too simple,” said Strongin.
To help combat these feelings, Strongin suggests to spend time in front of the mirror looking at the parts you truly love, adding, “Give them time, honor them and then thank them.”
Strongin then says to spend time looking at the part (or parts) of your body that have been impacted by cancer or disease, such as your chest where your breasts have been removed, or your head where there is no longer hair.
Celebrity Stylist Ann Caruso says dressing your best can make you feel better while going through cancer.
“At first you may experience a flood of emotions — this is expected and normal. As you allow yourself to spend more time looking at all of you, you will begin having a new relationship with your body,” Strongin explained.
“It may not happen immediately, but with time you can begin honoring and thanking that part of your body by creating a more accepting relationship with yourself.”
Questions to Ask Your Doctor
- What are the potential side effects of my cancer treatment?
- What kind of products can I use to help improve my sex life?
- Is there anything my partner should be aware of before we are intimate?
- What can I do if I feel self-conscious or frustrated about changes to my body?
Contributing: SurvivorNet Staff
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